I was feeling weak and worried.
12/11/2004 02:30 a.m.
Dec.11th.2004: I was feeling weak and worried.

I was feeling weak and worried through out last fortnight up till last evening when my weakness attained new low ebb and I decided to succumb to it.
I was worried for I was feeling weak. The feeling of weakness was basically the effect of this worry. There wasn’t any specific or additional cause for feeling weak. It was just the quality of my BEING which I felt was constantly deteriorating in the absence of any application on my part. Yes, I needed to apply my self and here I was failing living almost like all the other AUTOMATAS. How does one apply oneself in a sleep walking state?
Well, can you believe that my decision to succumb was intentional, probably a strategically retreat (Who’s strategy? Haha This is yet to be seen. I hope I am not justifying and playing in the hands of my weak self). After having given up smoking one more time in the last week of august, I was feeling like smoking since last three days and yesterday evening, when I was at the lowest height of my weakness (ha-ha) I bought one pack of cigarette home, notified a friend and waited for her to appear and concede, which the friend did, reluctantly and with certain stipulations (in order to not to look weak) in view of her weakness of me. Ha-ha. I agreed to her stipulations smoked and felt weak and worried.
After having smoked and watching me watching me smoke I felt bad but resolved and strong. Face to face I was and I asked my self- ‘what more, you wanted it and you had it, now what?’ I had no answer other than feeling bad. I took this opportunity and gave myself another punch, directly on my mouth. ‘You are left with no more excuses ashok sharda, now smoke but LIVE like you have never lived before. I am giving you no excuses for not LIVING.
Yes, now I am feeling a bit less weak and less worried. In other words a bit strong and resolved.

I am currently Reflective