Wringing Yourself Dry
10/01/2004 03:20 a.m.
So, I think I've got it figured. This ugly monster I've morphed into... I think I've got the start to having it beat. It lies in the December Funk me and Jordan sort of talk about.

Here's the idea. Where as last year, JORDAN was stressed, and unsure, and sensitive to the smallest things, and over all just kinda irritable or depressed, THIS year, I think it's my turn. I think that THIS year, December Funk has hit me. Makes sense really, with karma and just with the circumstances at school and elsewhere and not being able to see Jordan as much as I'd like. I kinda snapped at him yesterday when I didn't mean too. Actually, I DID snap, nevermind the kinda. You know those times where you've said too much of the wrong stuff and saying anything more's just digging your grave, but not saying anything at all is ensuring that when someone does start to dig it they'll dig it deeper? It felt like one of those moments. I was pissy because he was too tired to walk here yesterday, and today he's hanging out with this other girl he knows. The comment I actually snapped at was just this lighthearted joke, but at the time I was trying to elevate my mood and so the joke didn't go over well inside me and I snapped. But I felt like "God DAMN!" To the situation, not to him. It was like "ok, today your legs hurt, and I'm free. Tomorrow I'm busy, but your legs will be fine, so you're finding a replacement me with less extracurriculars." That was the way I heard it last night, as over-reactant as it was.
Bah, I don't know. What I feel and whats probable aren't jiving lately, mostly because of the December Funk I was talking about. I feel like I'm being shifted around on peoples priority lists, you know? Like when i'm at school, giving up the times when I could be relaxing (a huge thing for me lately) or seeing the people I dont see in school, everyone wants to just Dick around and waste my time. Or like when I talk about being stressed or when I just need somebody to vent a little to, with the focus on ME for a sec, not on THEM and what they're doing, it's too much to ask for without actually asking outright. I go, "God, I just dont know how to deal with it all, you know?" and they go "Yeah... Oh and I got this really good mark in blah blah blah" or "I just bought a new ********" or "Yeah? Man do I hear you, you know I'M just so datidatida this week that..." and it's like that NO MATTER WHO I TURN TO. It makes me feel like how I feel and what I ask doesn't deserve a well thought out answer, you know? Just a "yeah" or and "i dunno" and then a flip of the topic.
I think I'm just craving that nutured feeling you know? I just want someone to help me take care of me a little and not just go off about their own stuff. It's like I'm there to cushion everyone when they need it, I'll put down almost anything for a friend or boyfriend who really needs me or just ANYONE there, and i'll pay attention. I don't do it to get it back, I do it because I want to. Still, it would be nice if the favour were returned, or if the need for it was even noticed without my yelling and jumping.
This constant high adreniline feeling is like sucking on a sour candy that never gets sweet. It's a nice sorta shock, you know, a fun rush at first but if that sweet little centre never hits you all you're doing is wringing yourself dry.

I am currently Depressed