Two Days
09/30/2004 02:24 a.m.
Two days until I see Alan :) I hope he's okay... he sounded different tonight on the phone. I hope I don't say things to him to make him upset or think I'm annoying or something. I always felt like I was a bother with Todd...and so far Alan has not made me feel that way. It's this damn low self-esteem I have going on which is 200 times better than it used to be, but I know I still lack confidence. Even during my review at work, my supervisor mentioned that he has more confidence in me than I do in myself... which I guess is true. I am just always questioning things about myself...

Did I do the right thing?
Did I say the right thing?
What does that person think of me?
Does he think I am stupid? etc. etc.

I just want to feel completely confident about one thing in my life... that's all.. just one thing... Why is it so difficult for me to believe that someone could and does love me for who I am? Alan is the closest I have ever been to confident in anything... but those nagging little "what ifs?" still linger in my head...

What if...? What if WHAT???!! What if I never met Alan... or if I never took the chance to love? I'd be pretty damn lonely right now... WHY DO I SIT HERE AND QUESTION THINGS SO MUCH?!! WHY CAN'T I JUST TAKE THINGS AS THEY ARE... GO WITH THE MOMENT... LIVE... LOVE... AND JUST BE HAPPY.

I AM HAPPY WITH ALAN!! SO UNBELIEVABLY HAPPY... HAPPIER THAN I EVER THOUGHT I COULD BE... I have honestly never met anyone that I feel this sure about... and the love I feel for him is so overwhelming sometimes...I can't even put it into words.

I LOVE ALAN NELSON!! I wish I could shout it to the world... for everyone to know what he means to me....Maybe I am crazy and maybe this is too soon for me to feel this way... but the funny thing is... I know Alan feels this way (or pretty damn close to it) too.

He'll be here on Friday and I can not wait for that! :)


I am currently Insecure
I am listening to Nothing