Hello, My old friend..
09/23/2004 09:58 a.m.
Today has been as crazy as they come.. and now.. I come away refreshed.. another day.. another time..washing my hands clean of the past.

I realized, why after all this time.. that I havent been honest with you. I really.. haven't been honest with myself.
and it's tearing me up inside.. and for me to be me. You don't have to be here. I'm used to being alone.

So today I said goodbye to some old friends.. well. new friends.. but I felt like I'd known them for a longer time. Some of them I could spot out in a crowd...others were more elusive. I got over myself and got to something real in me.
I shut these people out of my life.. Said goodbye and seeyah.
and then to top it off.. My most recent of recent ex's stops by for her stuff.

Tugged at my heart strings something feirce. Looking fine. Smelling sweet.. and makeing me remember all over why I loved her. Her grace, her smile, soft voice... I just felt happy.
Then.. reality set in as she spoke to me... gone was the witty retort.. now there was a holier than thou attitude. and it'd been apparent from the get go by her lack of eye contact. It'd taken me at least a month to have a coversation with eyecontact.. so I knew.. I was at worse than square one. Blah blah blah long story short, 'can I have my stuff, wanna see my new car?, have a good life, wish you well'...

and all that ran through my mind.. was how misrable I am without her. How now.. my life seems incomplete.. Mind you she is crazy.. locks people out, doesnt tell you what's going on... but as my philly friend says.. I always fall for the crazy cuties..

Mind this too.. She accused me of spreading a pic of her nude on the internet.. I laughed kinda.. really unsettled her.. but I assured her that I'd deleted it long ago. Which honestly I did.. Nothing makes you want cheesecake when you on a diet than a picture of cheesecake you once had.

We said our goodbyes.. I was a bit cold.. but honestly.. it'd smacked me in the face so hard that.. basically. I felt like crying.. and sitting there saying goodbye really just kinda crushed me inside.. and it's been an emotional rollercoaster with me these last couple of months..
and really when it comes down to it.. I just dont know anymore.. I wish happiness to everyone.. but shouldnt I get a lil happiness on the side? maybe work to supersize it?

Yeah.. it's the american way.. come up with something good.. and sell it. hence why I've been working so hard on www.greasygrandma.com . It's been an uphill battle trying to sell people on the idea of a funny t-shirt company on the net. Not as much as I thought anyways.. I've proabbly sold like 50 shirts so far.. but honestly.. it's been a long battle with alot of hours.. and reall at this point.. i cant spent the time I'd love to to develop it more..

I'm moving at the end of this month.. so I know Im going to be busy packing and stuffing and unstuffing for the next 3 weeks or so..

PS.. A couple of you sent me emails about why I havent been doing much with any writing...

Honestly.. I dont wanna write about that kinda stuff yet.. not for a while... it's going to take some real courage to come up with those last 8 months. and to be honest.. I dont even think it'd be a good read.. it's too f'n depressing...

I dunno. I wish you all happiness... even the ex.

and with that. Tonight.. I sleep alone, again.

I am currently Somber
I am listening to The Rain