Empty in ways I have never known.
09/16/2004 03:50 a.m.
In my whole life I have never felt so useless. I have never felt so utterly unimportant to someone. I have never felt so dead. Tomorrow I have to function and be ok and be normal. But today I have died. There is nothing. I am so sick of saying things and being so disregarded. Nothing I say is of any importance. Nothing will help someone who doesn't need help. Here I am screaming and it doesn't help. Here I am crying my guts out and it wont help. Nothing helps someone who doesn't want help. But I'm realizing slowly that I can help. And you have to believe me, because for us, there is no other choice. Nothing will make them you see except the consequences of actions. Only the nature of things and how things inevitably play out does. I'm so tired of everything. I'm so tired of stress. I just want to be loved and to be important and I thank those of you who do that for me everyday. Who let me known that they hear me. Who listen when I tell them that I'm so scared. Well I'm scared now. Up until you might have thought I was rational. I still am, and everyone else will see that but you. Know that it's not because you told me but because of everything and this. Because it happened, whether you said so or not. Because you let it. You don't care about you, it's clear. But I do. Ignorance is no better than our worst fears, because the fears still exist if you don't see them. I'm more afraid of living with my head in the sand when it comes to the people I love than I am of the most horrible and terrible truth. The terrible truth now is that as long as you're doing things in ways you know aren't safe I can't condone it. That is the terrible truth. If you seeing the light and understanding what I've tried to tell you for the majority of our lives means not knowing me, means not having me to talk to, means not having just me and thereby forcing you to branch out and tell others (and thereby making new friends first), then ok. I'm willing to sacrifice almost anything to make you see that you're not ok. You were almost suicidal when you told me about the first time. And now this happens again, and you think you're ok. You're so ashamed to tell me things. It took you forever to tell me about throwing up. How can you not think you need help? It doesn't matter how. I love you. I care. And if helping you see that the dirt you've worn so long isn't your skin means killing me inside by doing what I have to do, then fine. It isn't just the sex. It's the mentality around that and everything else you know is destructive. When you can have the honesty within yourself to take responsibility and really see what you look at when you look at yourself, when you can admit when you can't and go and find someone to trust in that can help, when you can do that, and do it until you have a healthier outlook, then I pray to God we can talk and be together like we always are, no matter where we are. But I can't feel your pain for you anymore. I can't yell at the bullies who have moved in and taken over. I don't know how long it will take you to do this. I do know that you can, I promise you can, and if you don't trust me by now I guess you never will. I could be selfish and want to keep you near with this, or I could be courageous and do what needs to be done if I care at all about you. And I care more about than you probably even comprehend. This is why. I can't be there to break your fall, no matter how much I want to run to you and protect from anything that comes around. If I could I would keep you so safe from all the bad things and people but if my words won't strengthen your will then I am down to my very last straw.

Never tell anyone again that no one cares, because this will hurt me more than it will hurt you. I promise. But for the love of a friend, there is nothing too drastic. I can only hope that you make sure it isn't all in vain. You're a part of me, and I can't not try to make you see.
I am currently Empty
I am listening to my dad