This is not A to A: 11th Sep, 2004.
09/12/2004 02:29 p.m.


It’s dark. Should be five, I think. There was some conflict for sometime, inside. Five? Five thirty?
Was it five?
Was the suggestion for five? Did I suggest five or five thirty? I remember I was undecided though I remember telling some one (who? Mother, I suppose. Why? Yes, I offered to make morning tea for her and my father since I will be getting up at 5 hence forth I had argued with her) Yes, five I had said and in the course of saying I registered this suggestion since I am positive towards getting up early and have never negated any suggestion in regard to getting up early. But my asking her was meaningless since I knew her answer.
A to A means jumping from one action to another, always intending, aware and in thoughtlessness unless the thought is intended and part of the action. Even when one intends a nap or one is retiring to bed or one is shutting off all mental activity. A to A is a process where in we turn all reactions into actions, all happenings into our DOINGS, all the unintended actions into conscious and intended actions in continuity, saving time, life and precious little energies.
Incidentally, I did not intend my current thought neither before I wrote it nor in the process of writing nor after having thought what I thought. Ha! Ha! Ha! (Can one intend a thought one has already thought, in retrospect??)

Switch on the light-I think and as usual, I think why I have to think to switch on. It’s funny from an outsider's view but so nonsensical from an insider’s point of view.
I see my self fragmented. Body and one part of me filled with lethargy, not wanting to get up where as the other one thinking and struggling. Five minutes must have passed and I haven’t yet switched on the light.

This is not A to A. I had not intended this thought. If one can’t determine one’s action to be in thoughtlessness, one ought to think as part of the action but intentionally and confined to the bare necessity, conscious of one’s thinking.

Its 5.15, I look at the watch returning from the bathroom after throwing some cold water on my face and glancing at the dressing mirror- now I look awake and presentable. Ha! Ha! Ha!
Yes, how can one be presentable unless one is PRESENT? I think without thinking and feel a bit shy having glanced at the mirror.
I laugh quietly in order not to alert Mowgli and obviously not to annoy my wife, both of them deep asleep in their respective beds. I cover Mowgli with the other sheet since he is lying on the sheet I had covered him with earlier.
I am feeling tired now. In any case, the quality of my concentration isn’t good. I know this while concentrating on the pen moving on the pad. I can feel the boredom shrouding me slowly. This is the boredom of life one must not allow to engulf our lives with. But, affected by this boredom I am thinking of taking a small nap in thoughtlessness. Should this napping be my next action? Shall I? Is it ME intending this small nap? Or me tricking ME? Who?
Sliding down in my bed I look at the watch showing it to be 6.
Lying comfortably in my bed now I am thinking. Thinking of not thinking. Struggling and thinking as to why I have to think when I am not required to think at all, when I need to relax and conserve energies.
Suddenly I am back. Aware and in some control. I get up again.
Its 6.15, the time my mother gets me my first tea of the day.
Its 6.20 and she haven’t knocked my door yet. The delay is understandable since she isn’t keeping good health these days. Shall I go and ascertain? What? That when will I get my tea? But how my knowing of when will I get my tea will get me my tea earlier than when I will get my tea? Oh! How easily we trick our selves. What kind of fools we are? Perfect idiots. Real nincompoops.
But I know I am tired. And if I know I am tired then I also must know that I am responsible for this tiredness. this lack of energies. My body needs relaxation and this could be done at any time. But normally the body is lazy and this should be fought.
But mind needs sleep when tired. Mind should always be allowed sufficient time to recoup but then one should also see that one doesn’t exhaust mind meaninglessly in pure emotionalism and mechanical blah blah. I don’t think any one need to sleep more than three hours a day, if one can STOP this emotional exhaustion and mechanical internal dialoging consuming energies meaninglessly. As a matter of fact one hardly needs any sleep if one can control one’s own attention and remain in thoughtlessness. There were days when I hardly used to sleep for more than three/four hours and I was ever fresh and relaxed. I used to sleep in thoughtlessness. I used to wake up in thoughtlessness.
I have become such a bad man now.
Its 6.30. My mother hasn’t arrived with the tea. Is she okay? Now I am a bit worried. I must go and check. In any case, I will have to get up and get into another kind of routine/chain of actions and sub-actions. Mowgli duty calls me. Ha! Ha-ha!

Knock! Knock! Knock!
My tea!!!
How selfish I am. How self centered are we.It should have been my mother in my thought first and then tea. Now I don’t feel like laughing. But I must laugh my selfish self out.
Ha! Ha! Ha!
I am laughing at my self. I must keep on laughing on my nincompoops.






I am currently Tired