I need 400 and I have 40 : Sep 10th, 2004.
09/11/2004 03:00 p.m.





I need 400 and I have 40. And if I am wasting 40 rather than expanding it to 400, it’s my death instinct forcing me to live through this process of death. Life is in living and experiencing. And you have all the time inside the time to experience your living in detail, like you experience the space when you move in slow motion, expanding this 40 to 400 or is it the other way round ( experiencing 400 in 40)?

I got up a bit early today and thought (the very first thought of the day)- what time it must be? Five thirty- was the answer cropping up from within.
It was five thirty.
I got up a bit early though not yet the time I want to get up, as a routine, my once upon a usual time 3.30 in the morning. And as usual, I thought of switching on the light (table lamp on the side table) and thought, as usual, why do I have to think of switching on the light? Why can’t I simply switch on the light?
Its here where the real test is. Its here where the battle is? It took me five minutes to switch on. I need 400 and now I have just 35.
I hear a chime at the main door. I know this must be the labors doing some digging work in the plot opposite my house and they have chimed the bell to inform the guard of their arrival. Despite knowing that the bell must have chimed in the guard room too, I feel distracted. I walk up to the main door, unlock both the locks, walk up to the main gate, peep through, out of my meaningless anxiety and mechanical ness. While relocking the main door, I realize for the umpteenth time that it was my thought, which distracted me, and not the labors who chimed the doorbell.
I lost another 5 while wanting 400.

ACTION-to-ACTION, I shout at me, internally, more out of frustration than resolve. And despite the shouting and in the process of shouting I realize that I am yet to determine my next action despite all the thinking and umpteen resolves I have made for DOING and UNDOING in the course of my life so far. what? I start thinking again and in the process I waste another 5.
I am left with just 25 now and I need 400.

But this time I pick up the note pad and the pen in thoughtlessness. I will decide my next ACTION in the course of my jottings. I will remain alert, sub divides this ACTION of jotting in to many SUB ACTIONS, like a mile having many sub miles. I will treat my intended thoughts as an intended action, merged into my other actions, from one to another as sub action then to next to next and next expanding my balance of 25 into 400. I can, I know, by jumping from one Action to another, aware, intending and in thoughtlessness.

Oh! I forgot about this predetermined action I shall have to perform before the action I just now determined as my next. The guard came to pick Mowgli for his morning walks. I had to get up from my bed, yell at Mowgli to get up, fold his two covers, bed sheet and the mattress, chain him, unlatch the verandah door and lead him out in the lawns, all in continuity of action from one to another without any gap but with some adjustment in order to save. Yes, in order to save energies/time/life, rather than wasting it.

My mother knocks my door, hands me my tea and its here I slip. I walk out in the living room unintended, mechanically, doing some small talks with my mother (small talks are necessary in fulfillment of my role of a good son) but this was not intended now when I am engaged in a different sequence of action.
I lost another 5 after having saved and added 5.
Another sip of tea and now its my wife’s turn to distract me. Again! Oh! I am mistaken again. It’s my thought of distraction, which is distracting me than my wife. She is complaining claiming that I have been doing non-stop dialoging ever since I got up at 5.30. I defendingly say, how is this possible since I wrote this much, did this and this and this. I indicate at the note pad on my lap with the pen still in my hand and I do say ‘five pages’ and realize and smile at my unintentional lie but definitely a lie we are all so used to. I had written three and normally when you say ten people take it as five, forcing you to say twenty next time. What do we do in such a situation when one wants to say ten? Well, people would normally say twenty or thirty even forty and the other fellow will take it as five. This is how the world communicates. But I feel bad that I said five. I normally tend to hide things than projecting. This is all so nonsensical. I am feeling sad for even defending my self.
My tea is getting cold. I must have a sip or two. Sipping is part of my chain of actions and sub actions. My next action to be, suddenly appear from nowhere and I am happy but…but. It will have to wait almost for a day since Mowgli has arrived and he is shouting angrily at me. I will now put on my rubber Kito’s, pick up cycle key and now its time to play, cycle, run, snatch the ball, tease mowgli and mowgli, heat his food, feed (the bloody fellow has never learnt to eat himself. He would look at you to feed him even when the food is kept before him). By intermingling all the actions and doing minor adjustments I know I can save 5.
Well, the action that I had decided as my next and which will have to wait is that I was to move into Alice’s wonderlands. Tomorrow I shall, I am sure.







I am currently Reflective