:( I Miss Alan :(
09/01/2004 03:20 a.m.
Ok first of all I have to say that I am pretty upset with the place that Alan works for up in Maine. Alan is taking 27 credits for school this semester and they put him on to work until 10 pm every night. My poor sweet wonderful boyfriend is exhausted... So much so that he can't even be excited that I am coming up to see him in three days. (I am sure he is excited, but he's so tired he can't express it).

I really wish he could just quit that job. I mean I know he needs the money, but I really don't think working for a company that doesn't give a shit about its employees is even worth it.

I have pretty much accepted the fact that Alan has to stay up in Maine at least until May. I don't like it, but I have accepted it. But I have this horrible feeling that him working the crazy hours he is working on top of being in school and taking so many credits is going to put a huge strain on our relationship. And it is not his fault, which is the worst part of it. His job fucking sucks! Plain and simple...it sucks!

Man I love him so much and it hurts me so much to have to see him go through all of this because employers at a fucking grocery store can not be considerate of their employees. What the fuck do they want? To have him flunk out of school and work for them forever??!! You know...Burger King tried to pull that shit with me when I was working there to put myself through college. It got to the point where they asked me to quit school and come to work for them full-time and they would give me a raise.

I am sorry...but you couldn't pay me enough to work a shit-hole job for the rest of my life.

Maybe my problem is that Alan is more important to me than maybe he should be at this point... And I probably expect too much from this relationship. I mean I can't expect a whole hell of a lot when he lives 400 miles away from me. I can't expect really anything until he is here (if he ends up coming here at all, which I know is still up in the air). There is no doubt in my mind that Alan truly loves and cares about me. I know he does...Why else would he offer to drive to PA once a month all winter long because he knows I am not comfortable driving in the winter? Why else would he offer to apply to school down in PA as opposed to NY where he orginally wanted to go just to be closer to me? Damn it...this is why it is so important to me not to lose him. I have never met anyone like him before. It sucks so much that the one person in the world who I have a connection with and who cares that much about me lives so damn far away!

I know that stress and being tired all of the time from work and school etc. is going to start to present a huge problem... I feel it already and he just started back to school. Plus I start school soon too... Hopefully Shaws will cut his hours at work some, so he actually has time to breathe and time to focus on us at least a little bit. Hopefully me going back to school won't take up too much of my time and energy.

I am so excited about planning a future with him, that I really need to slow down and focus on the present, so I don't wind up completely heartbroken if things don't work out. Like I said, I know Alan loves me. I know he loves me a lot...but I wonder if love will be enough?

I guess only time will tell...
I am currently Angry
I am listening to I dunno...something on TV