Moving Along...steady wins the race
08/11/2004 03:45 p.m.
It’s 8 a.m. and I have just woken up from a dream. A violent one that did, however, provide a HUGE spark of hope. At one point one woman was shot in the face several times in front of her little girl who proceeded to play with the bloody face not realizing anything was wrong until the flesh practically fell off into the little girl’s hand at which point she began to scream, “Mommy, Mommy!” The next scene is a woman begging for her life as she is being driven into a spike. Impaled and finished. These scenes end the dream but were preceded by my own involvement as a mere bystander woman watching my husband and his ‘partners’ work on a criminal scheme of sorts involving a speed boat in some foreign country.

In this dream I was suffering greatly on the inside. To such degrees I could hardly stand up or sit down…I felt I was unable to function, though in this state I was away from the rest of the men, by myself for a few moments and contemplating my evil doings there. The sense of fear and helplessness and hysteria were so great, but I never showed them to the others. I will come to the ‘realization’ a bit later. First I want to document my ideas as to the associations that manifested into this dream. I believe it will help me to control my dreams if I am able to understand the associations involved, therefore, illuminating the subconscious fears that provoke them.

This weekend I went swimming for the first time in a long time and so in my dream I was near the water and in a bathing suit the entire time with a towel wrapped around me. Last night as I sat at my house with Kara and Joe eating pizza, Joe turned to the history channel and we all got a lesson in the history of torture throughout the world. This included, but was not limited to, the oldest mechanisms of torture to the most modern day devices. The pictures included Auschwitz Holocaust victims (mostly small children) who were experimented on by the monstrous Dr. ?? Hmmm…I forget the evil bastard’s name. In any case, I am certain this accounts for the violence present in my dream this morning.

Once again I did suggest positively to myself before bed that I would not dream or twitch my legs, and if I did twitch my legs and, thus, remember my dreams, I would intentionally put my hands up in front of my face and SEE them…SEE I am dreaming. But I never did do my fomentation to relax my leg muscles as it was already so late in the evening. Tonight I shall make it a point.

I realize this exercise is meant to record my struggle in keeping my attention and continuity of thought in tact. I am trying to experience the connection between all the different centers. To Sense the relation between them as I watch the flow of my hand move the pen. But I must be aware and focused with attention at all times. I believe I have been more successful in doing so since I began these morning writing exercises.

But the question is ‘do I have any new observation to record’? Yes, I do! In my conversations with my good friend I became aware of the problem I had with negative suggestions. In this way I fight like a stubborn child against my own desired growth, and well, I don’t intend on wasting my life this way. Oddly enough, in my dream I believed my inner pain to be a result of ‘severe depression' and this is what made me feel as though there was a hole in me, one that could never be filled and that this I must suffer for the rest of my life until driven to madness Hahahaha! The interesting part is not this, but the fact that I remember actually taking stock IN MY DREAM!! I remember wanting to act out my pain by crying and becoming hysterical but as soon as I began to consider doing so I INTENTIONALLY told myself STOP! I STOPPED!! I said, “you are not sick, you only believe you are," and I went back to the horrid scenes without the pain which just moments ago had I had ALLOWED to torment me. Oh it was so simple!

I believe this episode to be a significant event. That in my dream I took stock intentionally means my lessons and exercises have been penetrating more deeply as of late…sinking in so to speak on a subconscious level as well. I am so very happy for this dream. I am so full of hope and faith. I believe in myself :-)

The End


I am currently Tired
I am listening to fax machine 'BEEPS'