Later this day, 7:30 pm
08/10/2004 02:34 a.m.
I feel the way I felt when I wrote "in the Crowded Room" about one year ago. Alone. Accepted, sure.

Wanted?

...

I hate this feeling. I don't like to allow it and I don't like when it forces itself in. It does it at the smallest things. But suddenly it feels like none of the smiles are real. Like I'm tolerated, but not wanted. Like my company is just there and not enjoyed. I wonder if he feels that way around my friends and if it bothers him like it bothers me. But I feel like if I were really wanted there, they would have seen if someone could have picked me up. Or found some way to have me go. Or at least try, make an attempt or ask or something. I know I'd do it for him. I do it all the time. That and the fact that he'd had spent all day with them already, and said for me not to worry because I'd see him later today. I looked forward to that, yesterday and today. Now it's tomorrow, maybe, if he's not working, if I'm not called in. But what if they're doing something tomorrow too? He was already there, so his mind was made up.

I don't blame him for wanting to see him. That's why I don't know if I'm angry. I'm not sure if I'm angry or who I'd be angry at if I was. I think I just feel utterly shafted. I didn't make plans with Barbara or Julie or anything tonight because I was sure I was hanging with him. I gave up my plans with my friends to see him, too. And I know they just got in town. But their not leaving again anytime soon and he said to me...
I wonder if he knew about the potluck before he left today.

I wish I didn't feel so hurt about all this. I wish I didn't feel so selfish. I wish I hadn't have gotten so excited about going this morning, then so excited again about seeing him tonight, because I feel pathetic for being so happy at the thought of seeing him, then having it yanked away twice in one day and feeling this crappy about it. I wish I didn't know that when I see him again I probably won't say anything, we probably won't talk about it, but I'll probably still care. I'm probably the most irritating person I know right now for being this bothered, but it's a valid feeling. And the thing is I don't like any of them any less or want Emjay to feel bad about anything. I want her to be happy to be home, which i hope she is. Jay too.

Maybe it's just that they were so close. And then closer. Maybe underneath it all I'm afraid. but to be honest, I wouldn't want him to miss out on this if he wants. And I wouldn't want him not to see his friends. Not ever. I feel shitty knowing he probably feels crappy about being there right now because he knew I was upset. I feel shittier thinking maybe he doesn't, but thats not want I want to think about right now. I dont want to be the annoying clingy girlfriend, it's just that we made plans since yesterday, so I think anyone could understand how I could feel this way, even if I'm not sure it's entirely fair for me to feel like that. But whats fair? Feelings aren't fair or unfair, their just feelings right? and we can't do much to change them. I don't know, I just needed to write. The thought of hand writing still hurts, and the thought of my parents finding anything real of mine on the computer hurts more. nothing I ever write is set in stone because they could be permanent or they could be just temporary musings that exit as quick as they enter but here I am trying to make excuses for what might cause a scene. God.

I don't know if anybody gets it. But I do. And it will probably qwell. I think mainly it brings back memories of feelings i'd like to pretend aren't there anymore. An assortment of them. And i hope by getting this all out, I can tame a few. I might have to talk out a few more. But I don't know. I feel like sleep.