...
08/09/2004 07:19 p.m.
I said I wouldn't feel bitter. But I do feel bitter. I guess I feel rejected, and not by him really. I understand that he wants to see her and Jay after all this time. Everyone does. But somehow I feel as if I wasn't wanted by anyone else but him. I know he would have liked me and Jen to be there, but sometimes I don't feel as if any of his friends give a damn about me. It might just be too much to expect. I can just picture every scenario in the series of elimination deciding who could go and who couldn't. Most of them, if not all, are probably far from the truth. I just feel like an idiot. I was so excited to go because I swear, I'm the only person in the whole city who's never been to the river. And because I'd be part of this tradition they've had every year, heading up there and just chilling in the summer. I had to get my room done and the downstairs all cleaned up before I went and I did and then he called and said that it was either he goes and we stay or we all stay, and him. It's not his fault. I didn't want him to not go out and see her just because I felt stupid and pouty. I know he's missed her, more than he lets on I bet.

I felt angry at him only cuz he was the only one there, I guess. That part of it is gone now. I just feel the way I feel sometimes in his house when we're not the only ones home. That and the idea of a girl I know who likes him being part of the reason we couldn't go doesn't sit well, but thats more than likely instinctual suspicion anyways and i'm gonna try not to think of that aspect. I just needed to write all this temporary jumbledness out and I didn't wanna hand write because my hand is still sore from all the writing me and Jen did last night. I know I'll feel better about it later in the day. I just wanted to see Emjay and Jay like everyone else, and it was a bit of a let-down. No point in feeling bad towards the bearer of bad news though. I would have been more pissed off if someone else had said it instead of him. And anyways, I get to see him later tonight. Hopefully I don't get called in, because GOD would that suck.

My dad was being such a fucking jerk about the whole thing too. He was like blah blah blah, I thought YOU were his best friend, and now he's gone and picked swimming with a bunch of other chicks over you, hahahha blah blah blah. And I was already feeling crappy about it anyways and at one point of all his joking I just shut my magazine and left and slammed the computer room door and he was like Hey, Trish, come on now, I was just teasing! He's says everything after the fact. DAD, I NEEDED TO HEAR THAT DURING YOUR LITTLE SPEECH! OR NOT AT ALL!

Mood: Slighty depressed, irked, malcontented, but all of it will fade into the backround when I see Jordan again.
I am listening to Jen writing