Morning Exercise 7/27/04
07/27/2004 06:58 p.m.
Finally I am back! (But I think it’s different this time). Though I did not wake up as early as I would have liked I, for the first time in two weeks, am writing in the morning upon waking with intention and attention. This feels so very beautiful, productive, and soothing. I enjoy the feel of the pen in my hand, much more so than the feel of keyboard beneath my fingers. This is because I like watching the flow of my hand as I write. It is almost a beautiful movement, flowing as fast as the thought but never running ahead as I tend to do on the computer. In addition, I have missed the now ‘old world’ feel of the pen and paper, the reminder of simple technology verses the more complex we are now used to. My hand looks lovely grasping the pen, the curves of my handwriting in tune with the shape of my grasp and level of attention…or rather the quality of attention.

I learned a great lesson yesterday that offered me the rich bounty of a first real battle won. What is the bounty? A reclaiming of myself, my purpose, my will to meaning. No small reward this battle afforded me I must say, though there may be millions of battles yet to be won, I think the first of them is most important.

I noticed that Jonathan Livingston Seagull was the shortest story I ever read that spanned over such an immense period of ‘time’. That is to say that Jonathan’s exercises, determination, and obsession were gritty fights each one painful to the extreme and rewarding to the extreme, on more rewarding than the one before. I recognize that a part of the beauty of this story is exactly this, that its length is directly and intentionally non proportional to the time span/length of Jonathan’s existence. That is to say that this striking contrast in itself tells a story, a philosophy that redefines our perspective of ‘time’ and ‘space’…it helps the reader better understand the concept of time and space being limitations we CAN indeed transcend.

I say all this because in 100 pages Jonathan lived a thousand million lifetimes and only ONCE, just once, conceded defeat…I don’t think I realized the significance of this right away. The fact is that in all his lifetimes Jonathan only needed to concede defeat ONCE…this was all he needed to defeat the notions of despair and self pity. After winning this battle once and for all, he NEVER looked back at the same problem, though many tribulations and trials lay ahead, he never again met that same one, that initial one…the overcoming of the FEAR of FEAR….his courage and determination never faltered again after this initial battle…in effect, the most difficult one…to see the potential…to see the thin line as it lies so clearly…not merely to see the thin line but to understand the simplicity of crossing it back and forth. What am I talking about? MY first win must be the same as Jonathan’s…a permanent initial win if that makes any sense.

I must never again forget how easy it is to cross back over the thin line from emotionalism and negativity…it is just as simple to go back to positivity and determination as it was to cross the first time in emotionalism. Not only this, but if I do forget this lesson then the battle must be again won and rewon over and over again which is such a waste of time…of life, if one can get it on the first try (and they can). One battle for each fall and once up the next fall shall be different, more advanced, not repetitive.

Before I end this 30 minutes I would like to remind myself of my thoughts before sleeping last night. They were positive and sturdy and non wavering. Simply put, “I AM CAPABLE”.

I am currently Happy
I am listening to The defeat of the self that views life in limits