Forty steps-and I shall never arriveÂ’
07/27/2004 03:30 p.m.
Sunday, July 27th, 2004.

What time is it? It must be a bit late. Seven?
I went to bed late last night, reading Agehanand’s autobiography-the Ochre Robe. But I do feel thoroughly rested.
Three thoughts appear out of nowhere. No, not out of nowhere. There’s nothing, which can appear out of the blue. I have definite associations with them. Computer, tea and writing pad have association with my mornings. The last one was reinforced yesterday.
I decide to go with all the three and want to see where I shall end.
So, after having thrown some water on my face, dried it with a Turkish napkin, I pick up my writing pad and a pen and move towards kitchen.

‘Forty steps-and I shall never arrive’- I utter to my self.
Yes, I shall never arrive. The trick is here. One is defying the basic death instinct in not arriving, in not going ahead of the time and not letting time chase you.
This sounds paradoxical. Survival is what our basic instinct is. Refined survival is what our dreams are. But in practice, we are always ahead of the time (space-time continuum, fragmented but way ahead in time) We always want to be in the next moment and then next. We want to be in the time absent, which has not yet arrived. We never stop. This is our death chasing us. This is inside us in the form of an instinct I prefer to call – DEATH INSTINCT.
What are we to call this instinct if knowingly we succumb to this instinct and keep on chasing the time while the death keeps on chasing you? If time is the synonym of life it is also the synonym of death. I think I would prefer to call it SUICIDAL INSTINCT. This is suicide and this process is the process of suicide.
Now I am sitting before the computer with my tea and this pad with what ever I have written so far in the course of preparing my tea and what ever I am writing just now, sipping my tea in between.
STOP- suddenly I hear my self uttering. Instead of logging on I am descending stairs. Sep by step, never to arrive down stairs. Never to arrive anywhere.
I don’t think any one is going any where because the instinct which is capable of leading you any where is your DEATH INSTINCT and in my case (since I do sense this instinct, know it so closely) Its SUICIDAL INSTINCT AND I AM NOT PREPARED to kill my self.
So, I will LIVE in the time, with the time, never allowing it to chase me nor shall I chase it and in the process I will never arrive anywhere. I shall be where I am. I was upstairs few moments ago. Then on stairs, step by step and now down stairs ascending back upstairs. And I shall never arrive upstairs. Never. I am not going. I am where I am, step by step. Pole to pole. In time, Hand in hand with life.
I am trying to trick my self. I try and walk backward mentally while walking forward physically..Hahaha this is a trick. You become your body moving in slow motion.


I am currently Calm
I am listening to Nothingness.