Today my blood pressure went back up
07/02/2004 03:07 a.m.


After three days of email correspondance with the ex (we live less than a mile away from each other for goodness sakes), I've decided it's time to file the papers.

It started innocently enough last Monday night. General remarks about how distant I've been, which progressed to observations that we were not working on our relationship, which morphed into him qualifying my feelings about him, which is the one button he knows he can press and get a response. I just kept trying to ask him what HE was feeling, and he never did say. Even up through finally being ugly to me again, never did he say, "you know, I would like 'this' to happen," or "I feel 'this' about us". Every time he came close, it ended up being a projection of what he thought I was feeling, like, "I think you are always going to have doubts about me and you won't ever be happy." It ended up being the lastest list of sins I've committed, which I was so concerned about six weeks ago.

Well, the kindness he was trying to offer did last longer than any other time I can remember. It was pretty sad that the old ugly ways came back. And this time, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I remained reasonable and didn't even cuss at him. I simply wouldn't slip those old shoes back on. I've been letting all the anger out in my poetry, and I feel it's much more productive for me that way.

I've known for a while that it was probably over. But when eight years have been invested, and I surrendered so much of my soul in my life with him....and he did seem to at least want to embrace a better way of living....well, I just couldn't file. But I also knew the first time he shook those shoes in my face and told me that my not wearing them was proof that I didn't love him anymore....well I knew I would walk away then.

After being bombarded with emails from him (which I made the mistake of reading at lunch time) I felt that familiar headache, a headache I haven't had for months. I went to one of the nurses's stations and my blood pressure was 148/100. Not deadly, but high enough that I don't want to experience the headaches and the dizziness and all I was going through last year.

I've had the papers partially filled out for awhile. Now I'll just finish them this weekend and file them when the courts open on Tuesday. In a way it feels exactly right. Hey, Ashok, I'm officially sending him to the NOBODY bin.
I am currently Calm
I am listening to the gentle call of those divorce papers...