Why Alan and I DO Belong Together though others might not agree
06/27/2004 03:13 a.m.
Had a long talk with mom today about depression and how she ignored it in me and how she is doing it now with my brother. I told her that I forgive the fact that she hurt me and I love her still, but I just want to see her make some changes so she doesn't end up hurting PJ. Erika and I both talked to her and she cried... so I think maybe she understands. I am not sure though... she soemtimes is difficult to get through to.

On a lighter note, I am happier today. :) I love Alan so much and get to see him in five short days. I can't wait to hold him again.

Had a talk with Kathy and Erika about Alan today. I had to tell Kathy not to analyze this for me now... not when I am happy. (She tends to try and analyze why I do things and then ends up making me question myself) Ok... so I am not perfect and perhaps I do jump into things rather quickly... (even though I don't think I do it all of the time everyone else apparently thinks I do), but if it feels right... my feeling is go for it. I mean they don't really understand my explanations about how Alan and I "clicked". They question how I can "click" with someone that I have only spoken to online and met once. But I did... I really honestly did. Kathy also seems to think that I am hiding some kind of hidden sadness about the loss of Todd. She said that it isn't affecting me right now because I have Alan to keep me occupied "But what happens when things don't work out with Alan? Then you'll have to deal with the loss of two people."

HELLO!!!! Alan and I plan on working out. We don't plan on letting these feelings slip away from us. It is just not going to happen. Alan is my soulmate. He is... We belong together in every way... body, mind, heart, and soul.

And no... I couldn't give two fucks (pardon my language) about Todd and what he is doing with his life! There is no sadness here... not even "hidden" sadness and it is not because I have Alan to keep me occupied. It helps to have Alan... and yes I was sad at first when I ended it with Todd completely (and Alan was in the picture then too) but I quickly got over it. I figured that someone who didn't give a damn about me was not worth my tears... The only one who is worth anything remotely close to me shedding some tears is Alan, but because he is so worthy of it, I know that he will never purposely make me cry!! :) So there!!

Hate to say it sweetie, but I think the only people that understand us and what we are doing is us. :) But that is fine with me... :)

I love you Alan...so so much.
I am currently Devoted
I am listening to Clyde running