June 15th
06/12/2004 02:56 p.m.
It's the triplets' birthday on the 15th. They are turning 13 this year. My goodness, I can't believe my babies are going to be teenagers.

Steven, one of the triplets, is living in Madras this year with his father's mother, sister, and brother-in-law. He's gotten himself into some pretty deep trouble this last year, and it's probably the best place for him as neither his father nor I had the resources to really help him. In Madras, he's the only child with three adults to support him and assist him.

That's part of what I've been dealing with, part of the dark shadow in my life...how to be the mother of a child in this kind of trouble and still be a good mother.

I'm supposed to drive to Madras (a two and a half hour drive one way) on Sunday with the other two triplets (daughters) and my fifteen year old daughter and their dad (Kate won't go as she is not comfortable being with Steven at all right now) to celebrate the triplets birthday. #1, I haven't spent that much time with the kids' dad (and his family) in nearly nine years, but with gas prices being what they are, it makes sense to take only one vehicle. #2, I'm not sure I want to see Steven at all. I have way too many layers of emotions where the issues with Steven are concerned.

It's obvious there is only one of two choices to be made....go or not go. Going will most certainly be extremely uncomfortable at least on several levels. But not going may cause damage that will be difficult to repair later on. So, I've decided to go, and err on the side of hurting myself rather than Steven. There may come a point, once I've untangled my emotions and decided how I want to proceed with Steven, where I can honor my own feelings AND do the right thing where Steven is concerned. But since I have no idea what that means at this point....well, I'm going, and I'm going to try to get through the day with as much love as possible without being phoney.

Sometimes I wonder how other people manage to be parents, have careers, preserve marriages and stay sane. I don't feel like I'm progressing down any of those paths with any measure of success. And at 41, I keep thinking my opportunities to "salvage" my life are running out. *sigh* But at 41, I also know that these feelings won't stay the same. I have at least a modicum of control over what I do with the experiences that come toward me. Today, I seriously doubt that I have total control over all the events that come my way. But I do have control over how I respond to those events.
I am currently Reflective
I am listening to my neighbor's shower