The loop
06/04/2004 06:59 a.m.
I know it's a loop in time. I've never felt it quite this way before. It feels like a wrinkle. I can't sleep tonight. For if I do, I am going to wake up again 21 years ago. Once more I will marvel at his first long nap. Once more I will go to the bathroom before I check on him. I'll brush my hair, my teeth, notice with wry wit how a new mother's unreasonable fears feel...."OMG, what if he's not really sleeping? What if I go in and he's not sleeping?" Once more I'll tell myself what a silly ninny I'm being for worrying so, even as I quicken my steps to the nursery. Of course he's only sleeping. In slow motion, I'll hear the click of the door again, the sound of the heater kicking over with the blast of cool air. I'll think again how sweet he looks in jammies. Only this time, he'll be breathing. He'll stir as he hears me, lift his head and look for me through sleepy eyes. And I'll reach down, laughing, and scoop him up. And all the world will slip back into its proper place, and the nightmare will never happen.
I am currently Helpless
I am listening to the deafening beat of my heart