Again and again and again I'm shattered.
06/04/2004 06:01 a.m.
Jordan, it's 10:51. I tried calling so many times but I guess your dad is in one of those moods again where the phone ringing isn't important and right now is not a good time for me to be hung up on. Barbara, I'd call, but you have brothers that I don't want to wake. I know you'd listen. Jordane, if by chance you read this, I tried to talk to you too.
I'm so frustrated. I don't know how to deal. I feel so out of place in this house. My father and I are fighting more and more and more and i can't take it anymore. Today he told me to go away. he said "Will you just go? Please? Will you just go away?" He told me to just go away. Angrily. He said just go away. Then I didn't talk to him until later when he was mentioning something about a band meeting and I said they shouldn't talk about Mr.Der behind his back, and I didn't have all the information, but still, the moment I try to say anything he's angry at me again. I don't know how to approach them anymore. I don't want my dad to leave. I love my dad but I can't deal with it. I can't take not knowing when I'm going to fuck up the nexts family discussion. It's the second time I've been bawling since school got out. I don't know how to make this stop. go away, he said. He told me to just go away. And I keep thinking maybe that's best. Maybe I should just go away. They wonder why I'm never home. Why I'm always at one extra curricular or another, or why I'm always at Jordans. There's no sound at Jordans. There's no talking. Maybe his household doesn't talk so much as mine, but at least they don't fight. I might not feel like I fit in as well as Mo did, but at least they don't say it. At least they've never told me to leave. I don't know how to talk to my own father. I don't know how to fix things. I don't know what I should change to make it easier on any of us but I don't want to be the cause of everything spiralling out of control. I just don't know what to do or say or think anymore. Everytime I try I'm wrong. I'm wrong. I'm wrong. I snapped. I attacked. It's my fault. If I could just listen. If I would just think for a second. If I was just better or smarter or coolerheaded...
I tried to call or get ahold of you, except barbara, like I said.
I'll probably be a wreck tomorrow until I distract myself with something else.