New update...and words of truth.
05/04/2004 05:18 p.m.
Well.. Since I’ve spent most of the day working on stories and backlog for my new blog, I figure I’d spend a little time here… it’s only fair..

I haven’t slept again… I just couldn’t… I was too wrapped up in what I’m going to do with my life… what I’m going to do to make my friends and family proud…

I once thought about an easy way out.. but I just can’t see the logic in running from something…something that sooner or later is going to catch up with me…Life… Life and Death.

I used to think with all these complications… I derailed that train of thought… I figure it was only going down a one way line.. and that line… would end in a bad way… and I’ve trainwrecked my life long enough… long enough for two lifetimes…and I’ve paid my price… I’m even working on overtime now..

I used to be angst ridden… but I found that it was all just me hating myself for not doing anything that matters… well now I do something that matters.. I help someone.. when I’ve only helped myself for so long… maybe this was exactly what I needed.. a way to pay my debt to my family for putting up with a fuckup like me.. I guess I’m past the denial phase.. but I guess after 28 years, coming up on 29, you start to think about all that shit you’ve taught yourself…

I don’t even think life begins until 30… and man. Do I have a lot of catching up to do..

I also have a lot of writing to catch up on… I’ve realized over these last couple of weeks what I’ve got a chance to do… live my life… and watch him live his… I might not be able to see through his eyes.. but I sure as hell can make the world a little more colorful for him.

A lot of people, I’m sure are wondering why I’m doing all this…
I think it will become more and more evident as time goes on…

I’ve given up writing for a long time… I tried to write stuff.. but I couldn’t.. I couldn’t come up with more bullshit that’s non related to my sitation… I can’t write cheerfull love stories when I have a bag full of tragedies just waiting to be herd…

I’m not looking for pity.. but maybe a chance for someone to understand me.. and why I’ve done the things I’ve done…

I’ve promised myself to be honest.. and that in itself is something that will either break me.. or set me free…
I want to be free.. I so want to sing.. and fly… but only time will tell…

I’m just happy to have a chance to help someone.. I’m happy to be here.. in this place that people would trade a body part to get out of.. a place where people just say goodbye and send you off to a home to be ignored and neglected.

If anyone deserves a break in this world… I do..and maybe.. maybe I’ll earn my chance at greatness… maybe I already am great.. who knows.. I sure don’t.. and I don’t think of myself as a saint.. I’m anything but… and if you asked me last year this time.. If I’d have dropped my life to take care of the old bastard.. I’da laughed… but those months I got back from snowshoe and had all that time to talk to him… and become friends again.. changed me.. and this situation.. has only changed me for the better..

Writing about it has been hard.. writing in general has been hard for me.. since I really have a hard time relating this life to anyone… which.. in honesty.. is what this is all about..

I’m planning on taking a majority of the work in here.. and making a book.. showing that maybe even the gutter orchin can make a comeback.. maybe the underdog with a heart of gold can make something for himself in this world of dog eat dog… maybe you don’t have to be an asshole to win over the hearts of America… maybe you can just wing it on a prayer.. and come from shit..smelling like a rose..

I guess it all comes down to how honest about yourself you can be…. At this point, I can’t lie.. it’d ruin the stories…

I am currently Calm
I am listening to MicroPhone Fiend - Rage