the jumbled insomia aftermath
04/29/2004 10:42 p.m.
I found it this morning.. didnt really know what to do with it.. but I know now.. this is going to be the beginning of my blog on www.greasygrandma.com.. I have a litle reserch to do on it all.. but here it is.. in it's crazy.. and long glory..

bring me home to your most resolute hug
bring me in from the starving wind
bring me your brand of solid love
bring me no reason to pretend
bring us brighter days
more lucid nights
flying like mad kites above our city
bring me all the tears I've shed
put them in blue and amber glass bottles
and tell me they're pretty
i'm so dirty
i'm so tired
i'm so mired in mud and broken down
bring me rain kisses to cleanse and purify
bring me midsummer dreams to wear as a crown
bring me to my knees praying
saying thank you and amen
bring me peace of mind and a deep still quiet
then bring me back

It all boils down to this.. this one moment.. this one crystallized period.. this frozen second upon white seas..

These are the musings and ramblings of someone who should have been committed..
Set loose upon the world, through the cracks in the system.. slipped through like sand..
And maybe.. maybe you’ll see some drug induced morals to my lost soul..
Maybe you’ll see the poetry for what it is..
And maybe.. just maybe.. You’ll live life.

I can’t live your life… I can’t even live my own that well… but these are my glances..and notes..
And inner thoughts. but who knows.. maybe these are just the voices in my head getting out
After I haven’t slept in 48 hours and staying up tonight seems like a good plan.. what’s sleep to the
Insomniac? An on running joke.

Suicidal? Naw.. I’m closer to death everyday, one way or another. so why rush?
Eh but sometimes I get impatient.. I want to spill grey matter over the tread safe carpet..
Upon the sheetrock of my reality.. but thoughts like those.. well.. sleep cures all sadness..
For my dreams are the stuff of legend.. maybe upon some closer inspection.. I’ll one day figure all of this out… maybe not..

It doesn’t seem like much a point to be trivial when you haven’t slept.. everything has an edge
Like you’re in new York in winter.. and forgot your coat… you know the basis.

So,… also.. I have a twisted sense of humor.. I’m not racist.. I love black people.. they taste like chicken..
Well.. then again, everything tastes like chicken… even oatmeal when you’ve got a cold..

So through this spark of an epiphany, I know now the purpose in my life… to make you laugh…

I do it so well.. actually.. when I was a kid, It was really the only attention I got other than bad..
But we all know that song and dance.. been there.. forgot it. Always the class clown.. the fuckup who would take the joke on himself.. just for a laugh.. even if it was a cheap one. So I was the fuck up.
My jokes never understood unless in a Monty python sort of sense. thank god they were actually good.

So.. my twisted sense of humor wasn’t understood then.. and probably wont be understood now..
I laugh at decapitated cats.. funny walks of life….Shit jobs… People who are too stupid to realize how stupid they are… god’s children are all here for our amusement…some people don’t see it that way…
This world is so stuck up from when I knew it as a kid.. people being arrested for their speech.. people being subjugated against for what they do behind closed doors sexually.. or hell, what I do period..
She’s got to be 18, It’s got to be bought from the package store, It’s got to be 30% of your paycheck..
This world is on the downward spiral as we look into the next generation pokemon brainwash to the needless dreams of being at peace with the middle east… we dream of cascading fountains in far away lands, where it’s about what’s under those sands… it’s not about the people anymore, just cold hard cash..
So I just keep my thoughts all up here .. In my secret stash.

Fuck the vote.. yeah.. lets shuffle more shit.. If an actor can be president, let me score a box office hit..
I’m over this disdain of our generation.. the slackers of tomorrow, drowning today in sorrow..
Grasping at messages in music, lost tribes of social retort
And looking up tomorrow as a last resort…

The laughter here’s somewhere.. but it’ll come later.. I got a rambling point to make..
And I make them a lot in this mismatched dream of what a 48 hour sleepless night does to your brain chemistry.. these moments where you just think a thousand thoughts a minute and you can’t remember what you were just talking about… where you dream into conversations and out of relationships…

You just wonder what’s going on in the world when you don’t need drugs to give you that edge.. you need to skip the nap.. you’ll get plenty when you slip into that alpha drained sleep coma.. just don’t be driving..
And sex is usually out of the question at this point… you love someone.. but physical exertion would just waste the pent up mind juice that I’d like to call my whacked ass reality wrapped in paper and ink…something to make you laugh and think..

I’m a great guy.. I have a great heart, a great listener.. a great lover.. but as a person.. I’m average at best..
A dreamer.. a writer.. a poet.. a horrible singer… a last gasp at a horrible dream that has been my life…
I try to think of myself of an inspiration that I’ve made it this far without self destructing like so many of my friends and lovers and family… it’s been a long trial and tribulation of pain and promotion..
I’ve gone out of my way to make people’s life a living hell and made my life a living hell for the sake of other people…

Some of these stories of my life are going to be quick.. some long.. some rants and raves.. some about how jesus saves.. some about my life.. some about this thankless life… I’ll probably die old, broke and alone.. but at least I can cut my honesty down to the bone…

Drug references galore.. I will say more.. but It’s just a chore to tell you about me on the floor…
It’s a hazy maze in this mind of mine, with photographic memory and a wit matched by a rock
And sometimes I just forget about the clock and listen to the ringing in my ears, confronting my fears..
Dreaming this dream of love in the new millennium… woozy like my brains mixed with helium..
Notorious oxide to make me woozy and I’d rather smoke myself retarded than get boozy..

Fucking metaphors within my own misbegotten slang.. this misplaced English to see if you can hang..
These fables of the street urchin, locked outstay till 8pm.. streetlights coming on when mom’s stash is finally safe from me slash him..
A dream within a dream, of a nightmare of my childhood.. but I wouldn’t change it if I could..
I look back upon all these memories of pain.. and I’m just stronger.. but insane.

I laugh at dead fetus’s and bad nigger jokes.. I laugh about abortion and the peoples it chokes..
I laugh at violence.. fuck man, it’s in my culture… since the media circles it just like a vulture..
So this is just an internet dream… ripped apart at the seems.. put down in scribbled post it notes
Filled with crazy links and post it notes and fucked up party quotes..

I’ll have to mention all my friends and family.. it’s only fair.. since really.. I don’t fucken care..
This is the personal life of me.. the poet.. the dreamer.. the liar.. the schemer…

I’ll explain more as time goes on.. and maybe.. maybe you’ll understand what level I’m on..
Maybe not.. but I’ll give it a shot…

And did I mention… I’m insane?

Sneezing has to be my favorite bodily function..
It’s so close to an orgasm it’s scary…
And for most men.. it’s the closest they’ll come to being multi orgasmic..

People just want to be loved right? I think sneeze are better than love..
They sneak up on you.. just like love… out of no where..
Then there’s the foreplay.. sometimes a sneeze is just a sneeze..
But sometimes.. sometimes it just lingers out of reach.. like a lover…
You want it sooo bad… and sometimes.. it just disappears…
So enjoy your sneezes.. watch out for those rapid fire ones though…
They make you see angels descend from the sky and rainbows from traffic lights.

Sneeze on America.. it’s the aftereffect that matters. Cleansed.. clear…and feeling a whole lot better.



I used to dream I was a prophet.. have visions.. have these dreams that came true. thought I was mad..
But I found out that really things aren’t all that bad…
I just speak onto paper castles of ill lost morality… since after its just you and me..
So let me introduce the new world order, since we love to expand our border..
This isn’t anti-American jargon or bullshit for drama, this is the life of America.. where we’re the comma.
We’re not even in the picture, we’re off in a mass grave labeled consumer and this isn’t just a rumor..
They just use this false power of complicity on the 40 oz and the kind bud fifty..

So this is all jargon and dream speak.. since now.. my souls beginning to leak.. out onto this paper, out into the world.. paper rock scissors, into the cold wet stain curled.
Dream back to when you could hack it
and hold them tight, don’t ever slack it.
Drunk, passed out alone…
This honesty.. cutting to the bone..
Lastly but not least the dreams that come true
Never come to tell me the meaning of you..
You the muse, the people I wish to address
The one’s I see in this befuddled mess.
This conspiracy of lies tacked on in gods name
These company’s called churches bringing our name, shame.
We’re humans.. but savages.. killers of the free…
Since we’re all humans.. unfortunately..
We dream of being free like a bird, or happy as a tree
But we all know it sucks in our part of reality..
Constant worry, dreams to drive you insane
But hey, it’s fucken life.. So don’t complain.

Bitching and moaning never got anything done
And if you count who wants to hear it.,. it’d be no one.
Rambling on about your errant ways.. and who’s flavor is flavor these days..
So just shut the fuck up..I don’t want to hear it anymore
Just pack it up.. grab your crap.. and head out that door..
No more misery by the smack ramen pot
And worrying about what I don’t happen to got..
Dreaming this American dream only for nightmare in return..
But I guess this is the way our country has to learn..
Revolt seems futile in this day and age..
But I think it’s almost about time, to set the stage..
For this sack of shit, called a government is greedier than before
And I’m tired of having to work harder to for over more..
I dreamt one day money would be done..
And for once.. everyone was having fun..
Money is a control issue to keep man from his potential..
And greediness in human kind is really exponential..



I had a dream I was living down at a beach…
We’re traveling around a military base, looking for someone..
We were by a sky rise apartment building.. I mentioned it was very tall
The person standing next to me said ‘Yeah, Its almost as the nuclear reactor stacks next to it
I move to the left and can see the massive building behind it. there are these stacks.. they have these light blue stripes…
When we were a few miles away, I’d seen some large buildings on the horizon, but didn’t know they were all part of a nuclear reactor system for the military..

He says, yeah, they shut it down as a security risk.. too many people were also just going in and out of the building… no civies, just military personnel and all.. but that was enough.. even some rods disappeared..
And sure the people got caught… but even I went in and got something for myself… I mean hell, it’s not like they are going to know now.. now that’s the projects been abandoned..


He said ‘ Yeah, they almost finished it, but the government shut it down after 9-11 as a security risk..
I’m like, yeah I could see why…

But why doesn’t it look like the normal reactor?

Cuz they are trying to build newer types of reactors.. they said the old bell shape reactors scared people…since after 3 mile island, everyone knew what a meltdown looked like…

Pan to me at the beach… I walk into a convenience store and buy a pack of smokes from this guy who looks homeless, and then there is a flash…

Pan back to the reactor…

You see a bunch of guys in environmental suits.. standing at attention… pans over to a laptop with a timer stating 1 hour and 03 minutes.. and counting..

A bunch of scientists walk up to the laptop…

We’ve only got an hour? (the timer clicks to 1h 2Mm)
Well we’d better call in the professionals and figure out what we’re going to do about the nearby town..
Is there any live material in the building?
Only wastes… how powerful do you think it is?
Probably a couple of megas.. enough to wipe out the base and some of the nearby residential.. then there’s the fallout..

Time runs out a 1 hour 0 minutes…a little smiley face pops up and says ‘Have a nice Day!’

Back off to the apt building..
An explosion blows out part of the factory. sending shrapnel high into the air..
Then comes the chain reaction… another explosion rocks the camera with it’s shockwave..
And now.. now it’s apparent that something more is happening..
A huge explosions comes from between the stacks sending black smoke and a small fireball into the sky..
Then.. then a white explosion happens.. sending a beam of light into the sky.. the stacks collapse on top of the building as the beam of white light gets wider.. then shoots up the mushroom cloud…

The apartment building starts smoking from the cement and then the shockwave hits it. it falls like a house of cards..




I am currently Calm
I am listening to the fan and it's never ending breeze