Wow.. another day with no sleep
04/28/2004 07:01 p.m.
Ok.. it's been four days of hell so far..

First day I couldnt sleep.. stayed up 36 hours..
then like a miracle.. I slept.. for about 10 hours..

then.. then I havent been able to sleep since..

and I'm already past 27 hours... usually.. I'd feel like writing..

I wrote some stuff last night.. but it's pretty depressing.. but fuck it.. this is all about sharing with imaginary people right?

It’s 4/27/04 5:20 Am...

I haven’t slept in two days... and even when I did sleep.. it was only for 4 hours..

I been wrestling with what to write about...
how this insomnia is distorting my views, my choices, my life...
how my mind frame is great.. for the tragedy, I'm chipper
how I see shadows out of the corner of my eye..
how I've been up for almost 48 hours... and I'm not even tired..

My brain shut down sometime last night.. logical sense just alludes me now.. I try to
find things to amuse me.. so I've spent the latter part of 12 hours surfing the web, reading
posting and just generally being weird..

I keep yawning.. but it's not a tired yawn.. it's not one of those I'm exhausted yawns..
this is more like one of those yawns you let out after lunch...

so at this point.. I'm just writing from my soul... there's nothing left in me to bare..
so it might as well be my soul.

Im so full of doubt when I have a full days sleep.. I'm so worried about how things are going to turn out
I'm just so stressed.. and as I've been in constant stress since Christmas...

you might wonder what the stress is from.. it's family drama.. real life drama
taking care of someone else drama, changing an old man's diapers drama..
and this.. this is my time to shine.. when I'm all strung out on Dr. Pepper and blogs..
when I'd rather spend my time masturbating on a cam than having sex with a real person..
When I'd rather just be a flirt.. than be someone's daddy..

I'd been through the whole kid game before and I lost.. I lost hard.. I lost so hard
I still can't get an erection when the subject of kids has been mentioned in the last 15 minutes..

I was tired sometime last night and I tried to go to sleep.. but as soon as I was drifting off..
the world shook me awake and left me with just half a brain and less patience..

Now.. now I can't even stand myself.. the only thing I enjoy are these hallucinations that make the world.. new again
it's like I'm 5 all over again.. world's all sparkly, people look now, and I'm horribly
emotional at this point.. people seem human for a change...
then again, everyone seems human after 3am.. you see the deprived side of humanity at 3am
you see the crack heads looking at aquarium gravel with drool running down the chin
you see waitresses trying to support that meth habit between you grand slam and coffee refill
You see the cops shooting at bystanders, just because the bad guy knows to move out of the way.
people strapped to an xbox, huddled over a 2 liter of jolt cola and hoping.. just hoping they will
meet a girl/guy on there.. so for once.. they can share everything.

I wish I could share everything.. I can share my soul, my time.. but, I guess since i was a kid, I was never good at sharing my stuff..
It's mine... but now.. now I don’t care.. just take it..

I'm lethargic, by the way.. I only leave the house when I have to.. I don’t see a point
in dealing with people anymore that I don’t have to.. I mean hell.. If you had a choice about drama, you'd pass, right?
Sure you would!

Drama doesn’t make the world go around...
and yet..
somehow.. somewhere....life goes on..


Well.. enough of the ramblings of a sleep depraved madman.. for now.. I have to dookie and make some breakfast..
maybe masturbate into sleepy slumber, since orgasms have my number
send me off in peace..
since when she left, my booty raids had to cease.

fuck man.. I wish I could sleep..
just drift away and dream of Rene
blonde hair, blue eyes, like Hitler’s hidden surprise..
for if she was his envisionment of a perfect soul

I am currently Tired
I am listening to Who's line is it anyways.