No Longer Questioning
04/18/2004 04:15 p.m.
I had a long talk with K, B, and K last night. K thinks that I am too down on myself and she said it hurts her to see such low self-esteem in someone who is such a beautiful person. She said she can't be around me for 15 minutes without me making her laugh. She doesn't quite understand that while yes I may have a low self-esteem, it is 20 times better than it was before (when I first started college 5 years ago) because now I can actually sit here and say taht I am proud of me. I am proud of what I have accomplished. I went back to school and graduated. I have a decent job where I get to help people, which is something that I love to do... I feel that I am getting better in regards to my self-esteem little by little every day. I also feel that there will always be something about myself that I don't like and feel badly about.

K's biggest concern is that I am just "settling" for T because I don't think that I can do any better. I tried to explain to her that it isn't the case at all. I am not SETTLING for T. I love T. He came to me at a time in my life when I needed him and while a huge part of my insecurites come from the fact that I am overweight, I know that my weight was not the first thing that T noticed about me and I feel that he did love me for me. That means a lot to me.

K also worries because she thinks that I am doing anything that I can just to keep T in my life and she used examples as far as him hitting me and thinking that I woudl just forgive him just to keep him here. Now T has never laid a hand on me and he never would. He has only raised his voice to me two or three times throughout the past two years and he probably should have more often. I am not an easy girlfriend to have. She just doesn't understand that T is my soulmate and I KNOW he is. So he doesn't know it yet...so what? he will...someday... He just isn't ready yet.

I wish I could say all of this to him. I wish that he could know how my talks with my friends last night made me realize how much we belong together...not the opposite. They did not make me question my relationship...They made me realize that my realtionship with T is what I want. And if I have to wait a little bit longer to get it to the point I want it at...I will.

If marriage was the most important thing to me at this moment I could easily leave T and go find someone else who is ready for that step in life. But it's not marriage that is important. It is being with the person I want to be with... my soulmate... my boyfriend...T.
I am currently Passionate
I am listening to Mom and Dad talking