moth
04/17/2004 04:03 a.m.
My heart stopped three times in a row last night.
Fucking stopped dead.
Stopped.

Literally.


I'm not supposed to show it. I'm not supposed to show it! If I'm freaking out it my fault. If I'm broken, then why the hell should I expect anyone else to help me fix me. I'm not supposed to show it. If small things derail me... If I want to break down and cry in somebody's (anybody's) arms for reasons I don't know how to explain... Why should I take what hurts me and put it on the shoulders of all the people I love? Do I want them to hurt? no. Do I want them to freak out? No. And worse, what would they think of me? Incapable little girl. Little girl little girl little girl, oh why can't you deal? why can't you grow up?

What am I doing? Why can't I just hold on? Why am I still a fucking shadow! I don't know how to keep my throat from closing up when I try not to cry. If my choices are breathe or don't cry...