AM I MISSING MY ABSENCE? : March 21st 2004
03/22/2004 02:27 p.m.

All through the drive from my house to my office, I had this strange feeling that I was missing something.  What is it that I can't lay my hands on?  Hands are synonyms of attention here. (Those who know how to handle their attention knows attention can be handled like hands) Now, I am in my office but the feeling persists.

What is it that I am missing?  What is it that I am failing to grab?  And this is filling me with sadness.

I remember R talking in the same terms this morning.  R too was sad.

What's it that I am missing?

The scene is the same, almost same, the one  I have witnessed umpteen times.  The strangeness too isn't that strange.  I have experienced this every time I have witnessed this scene I am witnessing.  This scene isn't very normal.  Though it isn't very abnormal too because of the repeated witnessing.  I always witness this ‘not so strange scene' like a picture, which moves like a movie in slow motion, confined within the boundaries of a frame. 

When it is normal ("Normal" from crowds point of view) the scene is the same, but I am not there because I am part of the scene, within the boundaries of the frame.

Am I missing my absence?

What is it that I am missing?

Suddenly I realize that it's the emptiness, which is causing this strange feeling.  When one feels a bit detached with one's own surrounding, one is detaching all the internal associations with that of external.  The room seems empty and in the absence of 'beauty', in the absence of any other refined impression, without, we tend to fill this room with sadness.  This sadness is beautiful.

Despite the sadness.

At least I am present, despite the poor quality of my AMNESS.

At least my room is empty for beautiful impressions.

The conservation of energies will improve the quality of my AMNESS.

The quality of my AMNESS will conserve the energies.

The room, in due course of time, will be filled in with beauty.

This sadness is beautiful.

The only fear is that I might go back into the 'scene’, within the boundaries of the frame, scared of this sadness.  I must sustain this sadness.  BE in this sadness, active & alert,  from moment to moment, in continuity.

Will I?  Can I?  I really don't know.