Thinking About 'Sorry'
03/19/2004 06:13 a.m.
You know, I think in general we take the word "sorry" for granted. Sorry is such a powerful thing, but we toss it around at every corner. We say it when we don't mean it. When we mean it, alot of times we don't say it.
We use sorry when we conciously realize "oh my goodness, that was so stupid." We also use it when we think we're not being socially acceptable, even when we believe in what we did, as in "sorry (for not being socially acceptable in your presense when common social guidelines say I should be)."
It's the first one, I think, that counts.
We all take sorry for granted until it's the one thing we wished we'd hear someone say. We like to hear sorry when we're not quite sure if piping up is a good idea, because we dont know if we're in the right. Sorry reassures us that "yes, our feelings are valid" and of course "yes, you're really sorry."
There is a very distinct difference, also, between someone who means he's sorry but doesn't say it, and someone who says it but doesn't mean it, and another one who both says it and mean it. Neither A nor B is ever really filling. It's never really enough. Like the muffin that doesn't quite fill you up because it's just a muffin. You can mean it, but if it's not said it's still in the grey. You can say it, but if it's not meant it's totally hollow and worthless. There are so many times when we mean sorry and we think the other person's got it so we dont have to say it, when really they're just in the grey.
Then there are those times. Those times where you feel dejected and you sit there and you think and you think... and you're watching the would-be sorry-er (yourself as the would-be sorry-ee) and you're thinking about things that aren't right. Like when you zone out and you might start out thinking happy things and by the end it's all bad...
And you're sending mental messages but they're not getting through, and you don't know whether you're just being a dumb girl (or guy) for feeling how you do so you don't wanna say anything, and you're watching the minutes tick thinking "There's either something wrong with me, or [would be sorry-er] in this..."
... Then it's time. And you walk away with some subtle comment under your breath that they catch cuz you half-intentionally said it too loud and they get it. They get it and stop you and spotlight that feeling of yours. the one you couldn't really pin.
[Ding Ding! Underlying emotion has been targeted, displaying the ability to be sensitive and intuitive to would-be sorry-ees needs]
And you tentatively scream "ROGER! THAT'S A BULLSEYE!"
And then, well, then they know they've done it. Then they KNOW the deal here. This is where that amazing thing happens. You've got all of that swirling feeling inside of you (dissipated slightly by the identification process) and you feel like emotionally lashing out and perhaps toppling a few multi story buildings with your godzilla like feeling and it comes. It's buttery.

"I'm sorry."

[DING FUCKIN DING WE HAVE A FUCKIN WINNER!!]

It takes that feeling of general 'ick' or angst or whatever it might be in the case, and paired with an explaination, and apology, and a method for termination of repetition of this unpleasant glitch in time, dissolves the 'ick' into relief, joy and even general thankfulness for being blessed with the presense of a person who can both say sorry, and mean it.

In conclusion, I have come to conclusion that a sincere (not reckless, not nonvocalized) sorry goes a LONG way.




afternote: It never ever hurts to vocallize it, but if you MUST go without saying it, it has also come to mind that 2 tonne bricks must be dropped on the person you're sorry to. It has to be a direct sorry with the eyes or something just as obvious for it to work. I've tried other ways. They don't cut it.