Hence..another Journal entry..
03/14/2004 02:11 p.m.
Well.. I’d been writing some stuff.. mainly dreams and stories.. but nothing that I'm sure would sit too well with the general population of pathetic.. but hell.. I'll post um anyways... who else would read it?

Hmmm.. How to describe it.. Hmmmm...

Well.. I'm in love.. I know, I know.. you hear this all the time from me.. but I feel like I'm on a different planet when I stare into her eyes... I feel like I'm a better person than this piece of shit that I've come to the conclusion, I am....

or at least she makes me want something more...

and it scares the shit outta me.. like I'm on the verge of a great adventure.. or disaster.. but hell..I could always use another tragedy in my life.. spice things up, yah know?

Sleep deprived once again.. a cup of coffee is the straw that broke the camels back and brought me in here to rant.

I dunno anymore.. I feel like this isn't me in here, like it's some quirky off shoot of my personality.. all spiced up and glorified, just because I know someone might read it.. but hell.. I'm not pulling the punches at this point..

I'm too tired to give a fuck.

I watched FLCL again... I love that show... for three hours of Anime, it sure kicks mucho ass.. I wish I could produce something as artistic...

Speaking of producing.. I'm about halfway started on my own t-shirt company... kind of along the lines of Rottoncotton.com and Tshirthell.com... a more humorous type shirt company.. I've come up with tons of material.. I've been trying to figure out how to really use Photoshop, but it's hard to know whatcha wanna do.. I wish I had some help in that dept.. I tried asking a few people.. but nothings panned out... hence why I'm still working on it... I'm just worried I'm going to fail.. like I do so well in the rest of my life.. even though this is something I've wanted to do for a long time..

it kind of sucks though.. even if I did get things going well.. I'd only make like a buck or two on a shirt... so I'd have to sell thousands to be able to make any kind of decent cash...I know it's a shot in the dark and all.. so fuck it.. might as well try and see where it leads, right?

Hmmm.. what else..

I feel poetic.. like I could write tonight/this morning.. but I don’t feel like I have the proper subject matter/frame of mind... but I ramble so well.. when my minds all jittery.. skittish from the coffee.. spun from the thc.. skipped over from my blood sugar level.

I feel angry.. angst ridden.. like I want to destroy the world... but wouldn’t have the balls...

I wish I could... just wipe the slate clean.. make this planet the wonderful place it was without our invasion of pollution and steel towers... just another field.. just another river... not this cosmos of glass and steel rooted into the planet like a weed....

and it's roots run deep.


Rebellion has always peaked my interest.. this overturning of the powers that be... this hunt for the freedom we so desire.. and trying.. with a life.. to risk it all for freedom.. or whatever god told you to do...

Sometimes I feel like I'm Jesus during the missing years..
Like these have been my trials.. these have been my struggles with myself... and now I'm just starting to emerge...

I want a motorcycle.. ride the desert with the sun rising.. hauling ass down blacktops to a path of inner discovery... finding something of myself along that road..

I haven’t found it here.. and this place bugs the shit outta me like that... I look around and I know everyone.. everything.. and everything knows me... and after a while.. it gets old.. I'd like some adventure.. I'd take a heaping helping of abstract thought for a change.. instead of this lockdown nightmare called existence.


I wish I knew what I was meant to do... I dream these gory nightmares about the world ending, and demons and tornado's.. storms raging the coast and wiping out whole towns.. and yet.. I have dreams about children on swings and monkeys in the trees....what does this all mean? dreams to tell me the tragic for the terrific? Jobless for the junkman? Jack of all trades, traded in for a jack and spare tire? I don’t know. I'm too lost these days with my gramps still gone and the world flipped on it's ear on a constant basis.. one day he's walking, the next he can't talk again.. not like he can talk well to begin with...

f'n breaks my heart.

So lets just agree I have allot on my mind... and I don’t know what all to spout out here to help it all.. make me feel better...

I've been pretty suicidal lately.. been thinking about it allot.. like is this the best it gets? Is this the calm before the storm? I know it is... and knowing me.. I still wouldn’t have the balls to hurt myself.. but I do wonder... what death would be like.. to escape this path that I've walked for so long.. to be able to be graced with the presence of angels and devils.. souls intertwined in the great scheme of things.. this world seems so lifeless compared to the afterlife..

and besides.. the audience would be allot better. =)
You can keep the harp, I'll stick with the bass..

I had a dream once I went to have my soul judged.. and it told me I wasn’t ready to be judged at that time..

I hope masturbation isn’t really a sin.. or else, I’ll see you all in hell..

and then I dreamt I was breathing water... jerked and then herd the slam of steel on steel.. and woke up... cold and sweaty.. like I'd ran a marathon in the dead of winter..

I don’t dream of leaving my body much anymore.. mainly just dreams about storms and the oceans... but I think that has allot to do with the fact that the Air force base is always flying these thunderous jets over my house... I'm surprised it doesn’t wake me up... instead.. it just gives me dreams about nuclear bombs..

I love my dreams... I could watch a planet on fire.. and live.. see it as if I was there.. burning...and then poof! Safe and sound in my warm bed.. sunlight creeping through my window. Ahhhh.. I love these different realities we are blessed with.. these little bubbles of life.. that we tend to forget by lunchtime.. these romances in the middle of the night that leave stains on your sheets and lust in your heart.. these midnight excursions to distant lands and blood soaked hands..

Ahh.. what a wonderful time to be a dreamer.. even if sometimes they happen to be nightmares.

I am currently Wired