SEEING a situation in its totality in an assumed role: Feb. 25th
02/25/2004 02:01 p.m.

A friend came to see me today, after a long long time.  Long time is a relative term.

Because in this case it was four days. She is a close friend.  Very close; closer than what closeness can ever mean. 

 Obviously, I was happy to see her.  Happy is again a relative term, which doesn’t speak much.  I was elated, I was exalted, I was excited and many more adjectives, expressing my positive emotional charge. I had been waiting for her, longing to meet her, knowing that she couldn't have come & see me in the course of those four days.

She looked happy but not as happy as I was.  I was hoping some close talks, expressions of some intimacy.  Something from her end which would be at par with what I was feeling.  But what came was not as touching, as intimate as I was expecting.  Nothing as charging, as vibrating as I thought I was eager to receive & transmit.

This pushed me in.  Suddenly I felt I was in a state of emotional crisis.  Time seemed slowing down but I was not interested.  My head was getting heavier.  I felt like I wanted to lock myself in a room, cry, and then retreat into my shell.

By virtue of some unknown association, my INTENDED SELF appeared.  And he asked me if I had seen the whole scene in its totality?

I asked him to explain though I was in no mood of acknowledging his presence.  Nor was I in a mood to break my head as to what he meant by totality?  But I was a bit scared of his imposing presence.

“Did you transcend your mood & SEE?” he asked. 

“How can one transcend a mood?  And why?”  I quipped.  “I wasn’t in a bad mood.  I was charged with beauty.  I was expecting beauty”- I added.

“You know” – he adopted his customary philosophical posture and continued – “the scene is always subject to the seer” he said and added by way of explanation – “seers conditioning, I have told you so many times in the past.”

“What was wrong with my mood”, I insisted a bit impatiently.

“Nothing.  But you failed to SEE, failed to evaluate the scene in its totality.  You succumbed to your expectations, your hopes, your moods & refused to take her moods, her situation into account. May be she needed some time in order to jump into this mood from the mood he was in, in those four days of her absence.  May be she was perturbed or disturbed by something pinching her right at that point of time.  May be she too was worried that she was disappointing you by not being able to behave in the manner you wanted her to behave; she so eagerly wanted to behave.  May be she was more excited, more elated, more exalted than you but as we know her, she seldom expresses her emotions & when she does she does it without any reservations, without any inhibitions  Did you evaluate him for what she is?  In her totality?”

Suddenly I realized I was doing injustice to her.  I was doing injustice to myself by not trying to SEE & evaluate a situation in totality.

I should have waited.  I should have seen her in the totality what I know of her, her past of my past.  I should have given her the benefit of doubt & watched her closely.  I should have transcended my mood & seen the whole scene in its totality.  The scene just did not consist of me & my mood alone.  It also consisted of her, her moods, her situation & many more ingredients, known & unknown.

I decided to merge myself with my INTENDING SELF., then and there.

And just out of the blue she reappeared.  Walked close to me, pulled me in her arms.  I could sense transmission of beautiful vibrations, both ways.  Words were meaningless.