This is just all messed up...
02/22/2004 11:23 p.m.
I think I've had an epiphany.. I used to love to write in here.. used to love to ramble on about my problems and such.. but you know what? Writing about it all.. didn’t really help the situation.. it never does..
And considering the situation I feel like I’m in right now.. I don’t feel much like writing.. I don’t feel much like creating.. I just feel like. I’m looking at the world from the bottom of a well.. (to quote M.Doughty)..and no matter how much I ramble on about it in here.. I don’t feel like it would make a matter of difference… to be honest.. I feel really detached from the world.. like strange.. like this electric feeling on the back of my neck when I get in a open space.. and everything I do in the outside world, seems like a dream.. its crazy.. maybe I’m just stir crazy.. I don’t know.. I so want freedom.. but I’m nailed to a cross of my own stupidity once again.. just when I think I’m going to get ahead for once.. the easy way.. nope.. I fucked off and should have saved and scrimped.. so I’m almost in the same boat I was in when I started the fucken job at channello’s… fuck. So needless to say, I’m pretty emotional of late.. I feel all pent up.. like I have a million things to do and not enough time.. so now it’s just a fuck you very much kinda fate I resign myself to in these situations.. I need to do something.. something drastic.. like a job change.. I need to live… why do we hold ourselves back with this inner fear of failure? Like I have anything to worry about…

What the fuck… I guess this is really why I haven’t felt like writing.. I feel all angst ridden.. like I want to kick someone’s ass, but I don’t know who.. (it’s really me)… and now I just wonder what the hell my problem is of late.. I just bounce from a job when I get stressed.. I mean I don’t mind a good job where I’m making money.. but hella stress for 7 bucks an hour just isn’t worth it.. especially when I’m dishing out sales in the thousands..

Sheesh.. what a fucken’ life we’ve created in this American environment.. we have no culture, no background other than murder.. so now we just tax you for the blood of the Indians, and the dmv steals your blacktop soul.. so your stranded with the greyhound.. and not the dog, at least that would be company…

Naw.. it’s just my fault.. my stupidity.. my constant wrong choices that just show me what kind of person I am… and honestly.. I don’t think I like me much anymore. I don’t like many people these days.. but I guess that’s just a reflection of my view on myself.. but whatever.. like you need to hear about this…

Well.. I’m taking a break from writing.. I don’t think I’m up to pouring my heart out to people at this point… Sorry.

Oh.. and if you get a chance.. get the song Feeling good by Nina Simone... Great song.. and alot of her jazz stuff is awesome too..

I am currently Detached
I am listening to Hypocrits - Bob Marley