I (almost) hate him.
02/11/2004 03:17 a.m.
I don't know how long I can take it with them.... I just don't know. Ling feels trapped and frustrated. She cried for the first time I've ever seen today infront of me. She doesn't know what to say to dad because she doesn't want to make him angry or seem ungrateful when she isn't. She just feels so stuck. I completely understand. I don't know what to do to help her. I don't care right now if they change my rules. I'm 15 and they SHOULD apply to an extent, but she's not 15 like me. she should have more freedom than I do. 3 years worth. Her other homestay friends can be out on school nights past 6. My parents want her home on school nights by 6:00, at age 18. I keep thinking God god god is this how it'll be when I'm 18? It was her friends birthday, and she stayed up last night with 2 friends at our house baking a cake for her pals 18th, and today my parents say she's allowed to give the cake, then go home. That's it. She can't even eat dinner with Winnie, why? because she was out alot last week. well last week was HER 18th, so of course she was out alot. ARG! My dad says the stupid shit all the time and I'm so sick and tired of fighting withhim1!!! At the dinner table ling says she doesn't want to go to van for the john mayer concert with us, and she wasn't to stay with winnie so they can celebrate then. Well dad goes "Fine, but then I can't go to van." and makes a big miserable fuss about it. Ling says nothing, but she's not deaf or blind. What he said she heard, and how do you think that makes a person feel (when you find out, inform my dad). Now she feels bad because she's the reason why he can't go. God I sympathize with how she feels. Her friends think she should change homestays..... I don't want her to go, she's like a sister to me now.... but I'll understand if she does (she doesn't want to). If I was gonna be a year in some place I would want to get my money's worth right? ARG! And again, at the dinner table, when dad says he can't go, he mentions there's no point in taking the car. I said "ok, well what about Jordan?" And right then and there he goes "Well Jordan has to learn to do some things for himself." And I'm like "What the hell?! I was just concerned because YOU were the one that said we could drive him to and from wherever he needed to stay considering theres a HUGE risk if he stays in the same house as us overnight. That's the only reason I said anything! If it had been barbara, I would have said what about barbara?" and he says "Well we shouldn't have to do take him around everywhere just cuz you bought him a ticket! You know I'm [tired/frustrated/stressed/overworked/underpaid/old] and I don't need this kind of shit." and at this point my moms like "You're both making a fight out of nothing!" And Dad's like "Well I'm not, she's the one thats doing it." Classic dad, way to sound like a 4year old on a tantrum, you idiot. Oh, and at one point he said "Well we're gonna start having to put down some hard rules." otu of nowhere. I ask what he means and he fixes his deathglare at me and says "you KNOW we've been pretty flexible about curfews...." I'm beginning to think he dislikes anything that comes out of my mouth that is my own opinion. I hate being at my house. I want to cry. Flexible about curfews? the weekday curfews aren't fit for someone who is legally an adult in canada, year 2004. and my mothers the one who's even stricter on the curfews.... god I hate it. It pushes people away. It's part of what pushed Jordan away before. God I feel so embarrased, even though I know that I really dont need to be with him. It's not like last time. I'm not afraid he's gonna run because of my rents. I love him so much... this time it's like he understands how i feel around it, not just thinking about what my curfew makes him feel. He was so supportive and reassuring today.... I think I would have gotten into a screaming match with my dad again if he wasn't there to calm me down in between. It helps having someone to vent to right there who's not just gonna say "oh, too bad" and change the subject. Jordan, I love you. But my parents push people away. I feel the way ling does. Trapped. only with me it's not so much the curfews. It's dad. It's like my moms stress gets put on dad, and dad takes that and his own stressand puts it on me. So I carry moms, dads and my own stress. I'm super super stressed this month for other reasons, I don't need his stress. I need to practice a completely new song for adam as well as perfect the first one. I need to keep up in chemistry, which is killing me, and math, which is boring me to hell. Or vice versa, both work. Yesterday this guy jason in my chemistry class was throwing shit in my eyes for no reason. I got so pissed off I freaked out loud in front of the whole class because he did it like 4 times. I was like "COULD YOU JUST FUCK OFF!! Does it make you feel like a bigger man now that you've thrown shit in my face without me expecting it?! Do you feel like a bigger, stronger, more dominant male now that you've pelted an innocent female in the face? Is that what you think? Do you feel better about yourself and your low sense of self esteem now that you've succeeded in pissing me off or do you just feel low now knowing that you haven't made me feel any smaller? PISS OFF." Mr.Pistor pretended not to hear. ARG! I can't stand it. I hate being in the same room as my dad. I hate it. I want to say that I hate him but I suppose it hasn't progressed that far yet. I hate the way he has to try to assert himself and intimidate me. I hate the way he stares and yells and makes everyone pity him and I hate the way he makes me feel about myself. He makes me feel like I amount to nothing at all..... I swear I'm going to crack. He makes me feel so much less than human it's unbearable.
I am currently Pissed Off