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The Journal of Rula Shin 1:00 pm
02/10/2004 05:59 p.m.
I watched her try on my dresses one after the other as I handed them over. Her body slid with ease into every one, her face bright and beautiful, her waist almost non existant, her legs slender and glowing, her hair natural gold...she is, in totality, beautiful. I was so happy that night. I wanted to give them all to her. To project my desires onto her...to fit as I wanted to fit.
My necklace, my earings, my dresses all hanging, waiting, I suspected for me. But now they are all relics. History. I have consumed, it seems, all the world in one grotesque animalistic shovel down the throat and into the expanding belly. Why is it that what I want....no what I need most in my life has been the most elusive - why do my initial intending ACTIONS always fail in the end? It doesn't matter anyway because I have shed my tears and started over yet AGAIN.
I RESOLVE to start again and again and again...to kill the demon once and for all...with logic, strength, and help...because I know I have to do this myself...but not alone.
I am currently Anxious
I am listening to The Cranberries
| Member Comments on this Entry |
| Posted by Ashok Sharda on 02/15/04 at 08:31 AM This is assertive. You raise the question and the answer lies in the question it self. ‘what I need most in my life has been the most elusive - why do my initial intending ACTIONS always fail in the end? It doesn't matter anyway because I have shed my tears and started over yet AGAIN.’
Initial intending ACTIONS always fail? Why? You answered it. The drive needed for the ACTION weakens after the initial take off. ‘always fail in the end.’ And yes, you need to ‘start again and again and again’. You need to turn this desire into a kind of special desire, an obsession, an unending drive to see that you are ACTIONbound up till the end. There’s a half note somewhere between the seven musical tones.its here where the action turns into inaction, its here you are required to fill in this gap by this obsession. I wish you all the best. But as you say, the logic, the inner strength and obviously some help in the form of positive vibrations and reminders will make you through. I am sure. I am confident.
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