Your angst, my angst
01/26/2004 12:55 a.m.
I didn't think that last entry would do so much, and I'm sorry for that. I read Jordans journal... the part about Tim, and it's not like that. At least not in my mind. I'm not with Jordan because of any sort of obligation to anyone, me or him. I'm not with him because of any other reason but the fact that I'm completely head over heels in love with him. Tims cool. Tim's nice. TIM IS NOT JORDAN. Tim is not the guy I've fallen in love with. Tim is not the one who got under my skin to the point where I finally stopped lying to myself. Tim isn't the guy I promised to be there for through anything. Tim is a like a road I could have taken. Tim maybe looks like the easier road, what with everything between me, Jordan and Morganna and all of that (Yeah, i'm saying the names, I'm sick of walking on eggshells with it) but I don't smile for tim. I don't care what anyone says about how 'perfect' of a couple we might look like. I don't care about that. It just doesn't matter. What matters to me is how my last entry made the guy I care about more than anything feel... I'm sorry. I noticed something was off yesterday.... I couldn't point what, or why. Maybe it was the Dylan thing. We saw Dylan in Tim Hortons, Jordan for the first time, and I mentioned his feeble attempt to woo me with his cut abs and biceps. I don't care about his muscle tone. I couldn't care less about his stomach. It was quite sad when he was using it infront of me. I was like, ok, so you spend large amounts of time in front of a mirror working out. Do you do anything productive? I just hate the feeling that Jordan's going to go into his auditions today thinking that maybe Tim or Dylan matter to me as much as he does. Tim's a good friend. I won't lie and say he's some aquaintence. But hey, and this is to the world (well, my world, Barbara and Jordan and the like), if I wanted Tim, that's who I'd be with. And Dylan's an aqauintence. End of story.
But something else that really does cut is Jordan's lack of a muse. Is it all my fault that he can't write? Arg... I try hard not to give in to silly feelings like perhaps guilt for trying to make things work. Is that right? Should I be guilty because he can't write because things are going well? I guess it comes down to what's important in life. What you draw on as your muse, and what you'll do for a muse. Poetry can be like a drug, and what people won't do for another hit of their drug is beyond me. I mean, I understand it if you're the kind of poet that feeds off one particular drama or another. A poet with one muse runs out of fuel pretty fast though, I guess. That's why you gotta keep things dramatic, interesting. Happy isn't interesting, so maybe happy's not enough. What is enough? Is this entry enough? The fact that the waters a little stirred up now? I don't know. Man I sound angry. Maybe I am a little angry. But for what? And to what end? Sometimes I feel like I'm wrong to enjoy things stable, you know? Good... things have never been this good and I'd hate to think he'd throw it out for the sake of pathetic.org recognition and good poetry. ACK, and THAT comment succeeds in making him sound like a cold hearted bastard he isn't. Take note that these are my fears and not necessarily his behaviours. I feel naked even saying the roundabouts of negativity crackling in my brain but I've got to be real. Be honest. I don't know... am I making this bigger than it is. It was just one entry venting about things.... but what he feels matters to me, just like what I feel matters to him. That's the makings of a good relationship. Isn't that the goal? I'm kinda messed up at the moment. I don't want to be the reason he can't do something he's passionate about. What it really comes down to is what is he more passionate about?
I am currently Scattered