who has a breakdown watching boogie nights?
01/26/2004 12:11 a.m.
this subject of this entry is exactly what the title says...

i had a breakdown watching "boogie nights" last night. i was watching it over at steve's house.

i know that this sounds stupid and i feel ashamed and embarassed that it happened but there was nothing i could do. the emotion was there and i could not keep it inside anymore.

here's the truth and reasonings...(i feel like this is early to share but it needs to get out and go.)

on december 2, 2003, i just wanted to go to work. i work for a local gas station. it's a corporate chain but only in the NE ohio area. billion dollar company. to spare you all the details which do make for a better story but i'm just not ready to tell, i was robbed at gun point by two black guys. well, the store was robbed. i was just the middle man who knew everything they didn't know. they needed me. anyway....

watching "boogie nights" the scene where BUCK goes into the donut shop. the kid walks in and pulls the heat from his pants..."empty out the cash register mother fucker!!" as soon as i heard that i crawled to the upper hand of the bed and buried my face in pillows and blankets and started to bawl. i remember everything that was said to me. i remember how i felt and i put myself in that movie and i imagined how he must have felt. how i felt scared for him and sorry because he had to go through this and i've been through it and no one should have to go through it...but it was only a movie. he didn't really feel anything. but i did.

STEVE was freaking out. he didn't understand. he doesn't understand. no one really understands i think. steve does not acknowledge that i could have died that day. december 2nd could have been my last day on this earth. he says they had no intention but to get the money. well, i say, you don't bring a weapon like that unless you feel like you might have to use it. i mean, i really thought they were going to shot me when MARY got there because i knew she was coming. that's what kept me holding on. it kept me from just losing it. i wasn't going to be alone with these monsters at some point. i thought they would have thought i snitched on them. the whole time i'm thinking...
"jesus god, i don't know how it feels to be shot and i don't want to know..."
i knew MARY was coming...i kept trying to staul for time...not like the company wouldn't believe me because we have cameras. i didn't care if she looked through the windows and seen them and ran. because i thought she ran. all i heard was scuffling and screaming and they screamed at me to unlock the door because i closed my eyes at one point and MARY locked them in there with us. the guy with the guy came over to me and was like "unlock the FUCKING door bitch!" maybe he was making sure i wasn't about to maul him. maybe he was making sure i wasn't running. maybe he really wanted me to unlock the door. "how can i unlock the fucking door when you told me not move!?!?!?"

god. i have all these "what if's...". i watched a movie. a movie about pornography and look what happened to me.

i can't even see the screen anymore because of these tears.

i just need to talk to someone. i need understand. i need closure.

i need help.


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