A moment of jumbled clarity?
01/09/2004 06:10 a.m.
I have epiphanies all the time.. these little moments of clarity.. these movie moments of sadness.. these distillations of seconds into slow motion memories.. the smells.. the feelings

I wish I could show you the wonders that happen inside my head.. since words fail me now..

I am a writer.. I guess I wouldnt consider it my day jobBut I do find solace in a blank piece of paper.. and having that feeling that indescribable and then.. making it happen.. transferring my madness to logic.. my lunacy to literacy.

I think its shit. Rubbish.. all of it.. I honestly cant stand to read it I see a million holes in it.
I see three dots everywhere, diction of a retard and story telling that cant even touch the masters of written word.

I have delusions of grandeur.. Like youre going to love this or something.

Like youll get the sarcasm that rolls off my lips like waves in the oceans..

I love writing. Its the only thing I have left.

Well my latest mental mind block distillation has brought me to the conclusion that were all stuck in these cycles.. these little circles of trained emotional responses. I see them everyday. I walk into the supermarket and just see sadness in everyones eyes. This is a sad nation On the whole, we have sadness in our soul.

I used to believe that happiness was what you make of it.
You can fake to be happy. But you have to be sad to recognize what being happy is for.

Ive squandered my happiness.. Ive partied my life away for a long decade.. gone the road of the lizard king.. to broaden my life.. Ive traveled.. been up and down the eastern seaboard.. Seen Canadas finest, and even got to see cali and in all of its raving splendor and hung over glory been to Reno and seen more Harleys than you could shake a 20 bag at drunk on the streets in the world smallest Burger king. Seen Times square when there was no traffic and didnt go to the top of the world trade because.. well honestly.. Im was afraid of heights and we were broke. I have a picture I took of the skyline at sunset while in the car.. Panoramic even
My happiness has flowed like a river. But then you come to the point in your life where you have to accept certain truths. Happiness is truly what you make of it. You make it. Im depressed now because I put myself in a horrible situation. I was braced ahead of timebut not really. Happiness to be would be security.. but Ill never attain that. Im too cynical about myself. Hell.. look at thisI just end up breaking myself down in these things. Maybe itll show you a piece of me.. maybe its just the rattling of a madman.
I know the end is near. Not mine but this situations end. I am not afraid. Im unsure about the role I play in this life of mine.
Should I devote my time to working a 9-5 slave job for 7 an hourHoping that things will turn out for the better Open other doors in my life that Ive denied myself? Just out of fear of failure? I look back on my life and see one failure after another.. another life just wasted by missed chances and regrets.

My new years wish was this No more missed chances in life I dont have time, I mean Jesus, I got hair sprouting out of my ears.. we all know getting old sucks. I dont feel oldwell.. maybe in the morning but I know Im old Most people my age have kids.. a life, if you want to call it thatMe? I have nothing but a bunch of poems and a broken heart.

Ive really spent a lot of time trying to figure out if I should even try to have a relationship with anyone anymore and by my actions.. Ive basically cut everyone out of my life I have a few people I talk to.. but its nothing like before Ive always had someone in my life to spend my time with be it romantic or just plain friendship.. but now? Now I dont even care. Its sad looking at it on paper.. but you know, I really dont miss them all as much as I thought. Im a solitary person.. always have been.. I love silence, I love time to sit down and be introspective about myself and others Ive been told I think too much.. but I feel that I dont think enough. Or I dont think enough about the things that are important. That too will change this year

I dont read enough.. I spend all this time rambling on paper, yet I dont read as much.. and theres so much too readIf only we could stop time to consume media ahhh Id love to digest a whole Stephen king book in a hot second. Maybe then someone could stomach my library hell.. maybe just a poem or two

When I was a kid, I thought I was going to be a rock star My dad was a rock star at least in my eyes
He was in a punk band called the Thin Lads They were a motley lot, but in their own way trying to make it somehow they didnt.. but my father did get a lot of lessons out of it As, I.. was probably the coolest kid on the block.. Who elses dad had a Mohawk and looked like a ton of bricks? My dad rawked.
I remember the lead singer the best I guess.. maybe it was just cuz he was such a shit headbut Ive noticed the lead singers always are assholes Well.. I cant say all of them.. I have met my share of great musicans.. Ive said it before, but I feel like Im the Forrest Gump of music I got to work with all this great talent.. hands on work.. getting to party with them after the gig.. it was fn awesome. I miss that job.. more than my 55 dollar an hour job for sprint, or my fame as an overnight DJ for a local radio station where I was called on the special line to get off the mic.. Ahhh.. Memories

When I was a kid, people would ask me what I wanted to be and I had a thousand answers
Now Hell.. I ask kids just for ideas

Ive always been good at anything I doIm versatile it would show by my resume.. I could do almost any job if you gave me the chance.. which is scary to me.. since it really makes it hard to stick with a career Ive gotten burned out on many of my jobs.. I mean who doesnt? Ive been happy at most of them, but the key to being happy at a job is the people you work with. If you work with miserable people all the time, you wont last long at a job If you work with great people.. honest, communicative, heartfelt people.. You will find yourself happy to be making shit pay for the time you spend working as a team with those people. Ive found myself making 13 dollars a night, but being happy I got to work with someone I could talk to and joke a kid around with. I miss those days.

As youve noticed.. I dont tend to want to write about my life. I might type a lot.. but I feel like its overstepping a boundary to know these personal things about me.. but in another way.. Im not doing this for you. Im doing this for me. Even though.. I probably wont read this again.. maybe if someone points something out.. but odds are.. this is set adrift.. and youve found it. What you take from it, thats youre call. I have no answers. They might seem like answers, but Im still trying to figure out the questions.

Someone told me I speak in poetic riddles. I do.. But as I said before.. these are probably just the ramblings of a madman

When I was a kid.. they locked me up for evaluation.. which ended up lasting about 8 months
Its strange when you get locked up.. how the world is so clinical.. how the lack of human contact effects you.. how its supposed to make you feel safe.. but how could you feel safe locked in a place with people who you know share the same background? Such a farce I remember how this one time, I was taken for an MRI.. and they drugged me since I couldnt sit still.. it was like cough medicine, came in little containers that you might think creamer was in the world was spinning and light hurt my eyes like never before.. I guess its a bitch when you get a hangover from opiates when youre 8
I was raped a few times while I was in treatment nothing to write home about.. actually, it was weird being locked away.. much like Jail.. Youre on the inside and they are on the outsideover those walls and fences.. the world.. and inside You are alone. You cant make friendsYou only have the staff.. Ive always been a kiddie Casanova.. I would flirt even at a young age.. women always interested me.. so it was natural that I would get a crush on one of the staff.. her name was Cathy.. She had to be a psychologist, I remember us talking a lot.. I enjoyed talking to her.. she made me feel safe I havent felt safe talking to someone in a long time I guess that comes with knowing horrible things about yourself
I remember how I looked forward to the nightshift She let me stay up late one night.. and somehow, I ended up letting her tape me up with masking tape.. It was the first time in my life, that someone goofed around with me.. I remember those minutes even though they are 20 years old I used to think I had a horrible memory.. but Ive found.. through the years.. that I remember the moments that matter.
I never saw Cathy again after I was taken out They wanted to commit me for life.. they said Id end up hurting myself or someone else. I guess they were right It seems in my life, all these choices Ive made.. all Ive ever done is enable myself to hurt myself. Its a sad tale.. which I guess is why I hate to talk about it.
Im not here to drag anyone down, or go woe is he I dont want that. If I was to want anything in the world.. it would be to see that even tho Horrible things have happened theres a bright sideYoure alive. You might be dead tomorrow.. But youre alive now.

Ive spent the last 10 years thinking that.. and thats probably enabled me to have some of the best times of my life. Fuck it, live for now.. Tomorrow youll be deador wishing you were.

I am currently Detached
I am listening to the voices in my head