The truth...today..
01/05/2004 10:23 p.m.
Maybe Im emotional today.. maybe tomorrow

Well.. for some of you who dont know.. My grandfather had a stroke 4 days before Christmas.. I tried to remain chipper through all this.. I really havent talked with anyone about it.. save a couple of close friends.. but to be honest, I got sick to my stomach about that look they give you.. that Im so sorry look that everyone gets.. I dont deserve that kind of pity.. I dont want it either. Besides.. Im tired of talking about the whole situation. Its shitty.. I know this.. I dont want to have to explain it againIm living it.

I might as well explain this too, I have a severe phobia of hospitals.. I despise them.. I wont step a foot in one.. I can feel the misery that resides within those walls.. the despair in everyones face.. I can see the sadness.. the death and it scares the hell out of me. Any medical facility for that matterthis really is reinforced by the fact that the medical system has almost killed my grandfather about 3 times now with mismatched medication and mis-diagnosis.. So yeah..
I know theres a lot of hope and healing going on within, but since my stint with doctors and medical buildings, I none the less wouldnt piss on it to put out a fire.. Im not a fan to distil all that to a phrase.
So none the less, Ive been talking with my grandfather on the phone.. and hearing someone you love not be able to really talk.. just destroys me To see a man so proud before, now stumble over the words to say that he loves me..
I never really loved anyone as much as I have him.. Hes been my role model since a kid.. and thats not really a good thing.. I mean he has major faults.. but I still love him none the lessHe shared his world with me, he shared his good intentions always going wrong, his dirty jokes, his bad eyesight, his contempt for women, his deviancy, his easy way out, and most importantly Hes stood up for meand backstabbed me to strangersHe righted and wronged mebut in spite of it all.. I still love himthe person underneath all that military tacked on bullshit brainwashednow hes an old manJust full of stories and jokes He might not have lived the best life in the world.. but he shared it with meand saved my ass from jail a few times
Dont get me wrong.. I love my father.. but I think I respect my grandfather as a father figure mentally.. so to see someone that youve always looked up to be on bended knee is shattering.

I tell you now.. and mean this forever

Enjoy the time you have with people.. even if you dont love them. These times are precious.. Dont waste them with petty bickering or whos right or wrong. Accept reality for what it is. You sharing time with someone.

I only tell you all of this.. maybe because its the first time Ive cried in a long time..
Maybe because I see that there are people out there who dont deserve the situation they are in.
Maybe because I wish I had the last 10 years of my life back
Maybe because I love you and I want you to see that maybe.. just maybe.. if you look past your loved ones bullshit.. You might see that they love you too..

Why I even bother trying to describe this is beyond me now in afterthought but hell.. I did mention I might be emotionalfuck. No that would be too easy
Heart broken to see someone half the man they used to be.


I am currently Bummed
I am listening to Grey Ghost by M. Doughty