Very long freewrite...
01/02/2004 07:58 a.m.
I've never known a smile like this one. To think of all the times his emotions and antics have turned me upside down... the dizziness.... except god knows I love the view once the nauseas been dealt with. These are small portions of everything I write. I write on paper in many places. I write on napkins and scraps of english assignments and on myself. I write here. I write about everything. I write about little things like heartaches and sex and deaths and about big things like stars in the sky. Diamonds. Smiles. Words. It's been a rough going up and down this with him and everything and now... now... now is just so surreal I feel like I almost don't deserve it. All I've done is love him. Despite everything and every word that people have uttered that essentially said WHY or DON'T or YOULL BE SORRY... I know why. I will. I'm never sorry. I don't know if loving someone entitles you to a love that feels like this. This is just... this is something I.. haha you know there are times where I feel like I'm saying too much? Like I'll break the spell if I say anymore. I'm shocked. He's read things only I've seen. I can bet money on the shade of red I must have turned. THAT'S being naked. It's not lying there without clothes. And he respects what I'm too shy to let him see yet (mostly my lameness from the age of 10 to about the age of.... I guess 15 actually...) And yet... he smiled. I read it to him on the phone... and I've never written anything that honest... and I think I was more scared than anything. Scared to hear a nervous laugh on the other end of the phone. Instead I provided the nervous laugh, and he just told me he loved me. He loves me. And every single person who reads my journals will have to hear it again and again, because really, I doubt there's much else that can be this beautiful, not when I love him back. I figured I'd write it all out in a journal or two or two thousand before I drabble on in a poem, because if any of this feeling ever gets into a poem, I will want it to span from one end of this emotion to another, and no farther. No frills. Nothing that isn't exactly what I mean. I'd want every single line to say something. Every word. I don't care if all of it ends up sounding childish and "so immature" and whatnot so long as it's the truth. The truth can be childish. That's what I don't understand. Some poets who write struggle to sound mature, but so long as what your saying is the truth, how can't it strike a chord in someone? I think truth is an amazing thing. Truth can heal so much (salt is anti bacterial, even when it hurts). I'm so absorbed in my brainspace right now. I feel free. Odd feeling really. I just can't believe the way I smile when I think of him... when I think of how every day that passes feels like it's been a week or a month in some ways, and in other ways it's all like speeding intants. Some of the past is a blur. A blur of incandescent lights and huge comfy couches and tears and guitar and a girl with a voice and a wavering smile, mirrors and questions and screams and torn paper, more smiles, true and false. Some moments with him and crystal clear, like the night on msn he said he told her he was falling in love with me and everything stopped. Like being up on stage in Idaho and smiling at him up at the front, a little to my right, and seeing him smile back through the dark. The whooshing period in time where we fell in and fell out all at once and it was like romeo and juliet- swift, fleeting, instantaneous. Everytime he's looking right into my eyes and telling me how much he loves me now, that he loves me so much and he's the luckiest guy in the world, the world pauses, and all thats there are his eyes. His eyes and mine, and I know he can tell right then that I mean it all too. I don't even have to say it back, or say it in the first place, but I will more often than not, because why just say it with eyes when you can say it with lips and a voice and hands and embraces. Why not say it every way you can? It feels like little by little he's understanding something. I don't know just what he's understanding, but it's there and it's going through his head all the time. There's something he's slowly getting. And getting the hang of. He still blushes when I point out a mistake, but... I don't know. It feels like he's spreading his wings more and more somehow. Like a shadow's finally leaving... still hesitant, but it's going in a definate direction. There are so many little things, like the way I find I fit better and better in his arms every time I'm in them. And a sort of trust I've never really had with a guy. I never realized how insecure I was with my last boyfriend until now. I would tell him that I wrote poetry, and he would be like "oh...uh... thats cool..." or something generic like that. I would tell him something like how I really don't like killing anything, even something small and weak, and he'd laugh in my face. Tell me it's stupid. Just things like that. I'd wear something different and he'd tell me it's ugly and not cool and be embarrassed when I didn't care. He'd ignore me for no reason. Not even realize he was doing it. The kind of guy who'd be emarrassed if I started skipping down the street for no reason. Or laughing. Or singing. Or anything that didn't quite fit. Anything new. anything odd or exciting or quirky or strange about me. I got so used to being some contained little girlfriend who only came out of her packaging when she was at home, or around friends. And now it kinda feels like I'm stumbling out of a dark box for the first time in forever, and I'm having a hard time adjusting to the light and the sound and otherwise general stimuli. But every time I fall I know who's there and catching me. He'll laugh with me if I'm embarrassed and hug me afterwards. I'm starting to feel so cared for by this guy. I've never really known that from a guy. not like this...
I am currently Loved
I am listening to nothing, but I'm in his sweater and it smells so good...