JADE STARS
12/31/2003 02:23 a.m.
There are certain things you never find out about yourself until you're forced to.

Trust.
It's a word that I'm shakey to apply to some people. I haven't had alot of great experiences with trust, especially with males. I'm so used to guarding so much. So used to not having the nerve to show any guy who I really am. There are more liars around than many would like to acknowledge. I'm not so much a liar as I can be a hider. I've been crushed. I've been powdered. It's not a beautiful thing. Well it is, it can be, but I find alot of things beautiful that maybe I shouldn't. Being crushed is not so much beautiful as it is useful for future reference.
Anyways, this evades my point. My point, was trust. I've always had an easy time of faking it, or making myself believe that I trusted, or faking it until I trusted. But when a point in time comes when you find a person like me putting everything, all her trust, and all of who she is in the hands of someone who, on the whole, is still a relative mystery... that's what get's you thinking. When you feel yourself thinking "I'm going to trust him..." and meaning it, and KNOWING that person knows you mean it...
"When you put all your trust in something, you're putting alot on the line."
And for the first time that I can remember, I let go. Of everything. Of the constant grip I've always had to have on things so that things work out perfectly and predicrtably and safely. I let it go. I gave it to him. Without a word I let him know he could have all or none or some, and I wouldn't have objected at the time... and he heard me. For the first time I can ever remember, I let all of my guard down. Every single brick of the wall I'm used to having secure around me.

And he gave it all back.
He chose to stand by me. He chose what I would want. He chose what was best for me.
For the first time with me and him, it didn't feel like I had to be the grounding point. Like I had to be the rational one. Like I had to be the adult. He didn't do what he wanted to do, and yet he did. More than wanting himself to be happy, he wanted me to be happy. He knew... he knew everything. He knew when I gave it all up and when he gave it back it was so hard to register. I looked in his eyes and it was like falling in love but a thousand times better. It was real. It wasn't just being In love, it was love. The kind where there's just so much care that what you need and want hardly matters, but the other one feels the same way, so you're both taken care of. It felt like this whole time all I've been hearing were the top notes of the chord, and when I finally stopped gripping the strings, he played the bottom notes instead of just soloing. I don't think I can adequately describe any of it.

I'm the luckiest girl in the entire world.
I am currently Awestruck