Rant
12/29/2003 07:42 p.m.
Right now, I don't feel real. It's like deja vu before you've had it. I feel like I don't need air to exist, or that I don't need to exist, therefore don't need air. It that feeling where you're stretched so thin and you know that you'll only be stretched thinner and thinner. Too much bread, not enough butter. Today I'm supposed to go swimming with my brother and my niece and nephew and Ling. I'm supposed to go and see Becca, although I'm not sure how that will fit in. I'm supposed to go and see the Pantomime Barbara is in (wish her luck wish her luck)... I just feel odd. And I feel like I didn't congradulate Jordan enough on his POTD when he called me all excited on the phone this morning. I had my ma glaring at me to get off the phone, but once I told her the deal she was fine. She's a little irritable lately, ever since I had that sex chat with her. It'll pass though. I know how she is. My Dad still thinks he can keep a pretty good hold on me, but my mom knows better than that when it comes to stuff like this. She just wants me to be safe, and to be sure.

Yesterday he could have been really bothered by the fact that my parents chose to keep me home instead of letting us go to his house. Instead, he took it better than me. That surprised me. That was impressive...
Sometimes I think my parents are doing these things as little tests you know? Like, seeing whether this boy is really worthy of their daughter. How will he react to staying here? I think now and then their trying to judge character a bit. It's funny to watch really. Alot of times I'm watching my life from the rafters. It's easier to think when you're not really there. I remember one phone call with Jordan one night where my emotions weren't really there. That was the night I said "If this is just one big charade, end it. Now. And don't even think about what it will do to me. Just do it." That was the longest, loudest silence (including all the blood rushing in my ears) ever. It had to be said though. And I'm glad I said it.

I feel so bad. I haven't had time to talk to jen in so long. She called the other day and I didn't have time, but I was also really cold. She wrote an email that hurt me. She's pissed that I never talk toher, but I talk to her for and hour or two whenever she calls. I don't call her often because of money things, and time things. She doesn't seem to get it though. It just hurts. Everyone wants me to be everywhere all at pnce and it doesn't matter where I want to be. I'm tired.

(side note: uh oh, I need to put my hair up to go swimming....)
I am currently Detached
I am listening to Amber by 311