I'm the mom
12/19/2003 05:18 a.m.
I don't really know what's wrong with me lately. I've just been feeling out of place with my friends, like I have become a 40 year old woman in the midst of people who want to stay up until 4am and get 2 hours of sleep before work. I want to vacuum and clean the kitchen before I go out and have fun. I also have been problems with myself. I second guess every fucking emotion I have. This is a typical argument with myself "I'm annoyed, but maybe I don't have a right to be annoyed in this situation." Then I am unsure of whether or not I have the right to be annoyed and I end up ignoring the problem. By ignoring, I mean I think about it a lot but I don't say anything and the resentment builds inside of me. Sometimes the problem is simply that I have always told myself "I will not be that person" but I see myself becoming that person, whoever THAT person is. I don't even know anymore and I just feel like I am going to continue to push people away by harboring resentment for things that they didn't even knew bothered me. It's because sometimes I feel that the things that bother me are ridiculous and that no one will care that I'm bothered by them because they are stupid issues, but I think that's where it all comes together. I am going to start a list of new years resolutions and add a little when I think of other things. Oh, yeah, like it will actually hold up. I just wish I didn't second guess my descisions so much and that I didn't predict everything going to shit so I could see things more positively. I have no idea why I think the way I do, or why I am so afraid to confrot things that could be so easily taken care of. Fuck. I need to start changing.
I am currently Bothered