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12/15/2003 10:13 p.m.
Potential can be the most attractive quality in a person. Is that wrong? I don't know what to do or think. I'm thinking, maybe he really needs time away from both me and her. He'll probably not get it considering shes here in 2 days. God I need to talk to her. Not to conspire against him or whatever, but just to talk to her, to see where she is with everything. Where her heart is at. You know the thing is I'm beyond caring about whther he wants to be with me or with her. i mean, not totally beyond caring, because obviously I want to be with him, but things would be so much easier if he would just say "Trish, I'm going for Mo. That's the end of it." I'd cry, but its no different from what I'm doing now. I'd be hurt, but it hurts to question whther he can tell me he loves me and mean it. It hurts to be second best when it comes to love. It hurts to think that nothing I do will help because he wont let me in to his heart or his head the way he does with her. It hurts to lose something so precious to a shadow. To a memory. I feel like he always forgets how to love me when she walks into a room. How to love anyone or anything, including himself, vanishes from his mind when he sees her. Or hears her. Or thinks of her. When she's there, somewhere in the back of it all he loves me. The painful thing is when she's there, he seems indifferent to that love. i told him last night "I don't ever want you to look at me smiling and think 'god I wish that was her smiling there anymore than you might have already.'" and I don't. Not ever. I don't ever ever want him to have to go through wishing I was someone else. Not only is that painful to him, but I'm worth more than that, and I know it. I love him with all I am, but I also love all I am and there's only so much I can take without hurting myself. Now granted, it's a large amount, but still there are some limits, in a sense. In a sense there are none. As long I know he cares. As long as I know he loves me, i'm fine. I'm here as a lover & a friend so long as he loves me. If he doesn't, then I'm here as a friend. But you can't know some of the little things thats let me know she's always there. He can't go less than I day hanging out with me without mentioning her. even at the best of times this was the case. He apologized to her on the phone for the lies when he told them to her. We talked for hours and never did he ever really, directly to me, say "I'm sorry I lied to you for so long." He said it by telling me his apology to her. And then silence. I waited. I waited to see whether it would occur to him to apologize to his current girlfriend who he tells he loves every time he sees. To the girl who is gladly listening to him whenever he needs it. To that... to that seemingly souless person who is willing to be there again and again and only thinks "hey, a sincere apology would be nice." but there was silence until I said "Is that to her or to me?" "To her... and to you I guess..." I know it might not seem like a big deal. I don't know I'm not sure just how it sounds, but to me... I don't know. I have people telling me every day "You should never have to be second best." I'm willing to be second best so long as he's moving away from all the what ifs he thinks he can rectify. Maybe he can recitify them. As I told Mo, I'm So messed up...
I am currently Bemused
I am listening to nothing.