ack,.
12/15/2003 04:14 p.m.
I woke up this morning with a physical sense of heaviness in me. I did not want to get up. i did not want to see the world this morning. I wanted to sleep and sleep and sleep and dream and not be rushed from it all. Last night I had a dream that morganna came over to my house and we hung out like best friends. She went downstairs and slept in my spare bed. Then he came over. I told him Mo was downstairs, and cautiously, like she's some bomb or biohazard, we creep down the stares. When we get there and he sees her, he freezes. Then the phone rings. He sits on the bed beside her, but she gets up when I pick up the phone and look worried. I tell her to the side that its barbara, and she begs for the phone to help her feel better. At this point I give her the phone, and me and Jordan look at eachother. You get the sense that somethings about to take place... and then I wake up. I don't know. I feel like i should be hurt. To an extent, I am. I found out that the person I love has told all the people he loves lies, to their faces, day after day, for 2 and a half years. I feel like I can't live up to her. I hate this. I hate it. Not being here for him, not caring about him. Just feeling like I'll never be enough to keep his eye. But sometimes it seems no girl is, so why should I harbour false hope that I'll be. I wonder how well my face blends in the crowd to him, you know? I can't stand the thought of my heart being jerked around more than it has been, which is probably good because I dont know if thats possible. I want to make all his confusion and hurt go away. God.... I think if he could only see everything he could be if he just opened his eyes to what he is and has, he'd love himself too. But instead.... arg. I just want to scream. Want to cry. Want to laugh. I do the latter most. I wrote poems until 2:30 last night in my journal. I really did wake up with an ache and a weight in me... I just want to know what he wants. If I'm some obstacle he's placing infront of himself because he thinks he loves me. I told him last night "If you're deluding yourself, stop. Now. And don't worry about what I'll feel. If you dont love me, if you dont really care, if this is just another act, stop. don't lie to yourself on my hearts behalf." He was silent for a very long time... before saying that he thinks he cares, because why else would he be back.... I said ok... and we continued. Theres just so much....
I am currently Detached