Dear
12/05/2003 06:34 p.m.
I want to. I don't know if I ever can, but I want to. If something died that day in you then I want to help something new grow. Not in the same place. Never in the same place (I'm not that selfish). But maybe something there beside the empty spot your pour yourself into.

I don't blame you. I can't blame you. I know what she was to everyone, and that she's countless times that to you. I understand that I'll never smile quite that way, and I don't think you know how many times I used to wish that my laugh could make you smile the way hers must have. I'm sorry for everything that I've been the cause of. If it weren't for me maybe you would have grown together and had little half-halfie babies if only I had kept my problems to myself.

I want you to know that I can hear it in your voice when your steps aren't as sure as the ones that come before it. I want you to know that that's ok, because I know why they aren't. I want you to know I'm so sorry. For being part of the cause of you losing that light in your life, and if I can ever shine half that bright I'll try everything I can to. You know I'm not her. I knew that you knew that when you told me you loved me and put my name on the end of it. I could hear the backround in your head saying something though. Saying she's still there. I know that she is and I'm alright with that, as long as I know that I'm in there too. As long as you mean what you say, I'm ok. I'm alright.

I don't harbour false hope that I'll ever be that girl to you, because nobody will ever replace that spot she put in your heart. Somebody might be it's equal, but no one can fill it. I don't know what I am to you, and I'm not sure what I will be, but please believe when I tell you that I love you. I love you and that means even if she's floating in the whitenoise backround in your head. Head to toe, inside and out, I love you for everything you are, including the thoughts that confuse you or make you think you're the scum of the earth. You aren't. You're a beautiful person who's figuring it all out just like the rest of us.

You once told me no regrets, and I agreed. We both went back on that word. We both have regrets. But I don't regret jumping back into this mess with you, because I'm not jumping it alone. For better or worse, I care enough about you to stick around when most other girls would leave. It's not everyday a girl is crazy enough about you to jump into it twice. I wrote it before, I'd be here if you ever needed someone to listen to everything about her that made you so joyful then, and everything you miss. I promise you, I wouldn't shed a single tear apart from wishing it didn't hurt you so much. I promise you.

You make me so happy it's insane. If you're fine, then alright. If you need time to think and sort everything out, I'll give it to you. Anything. I risked it for a reason, and I'm not about to fold now.
... Sorry if this is too much, it's just whats in my headspace right now. I'll talk to you later on the phone.
I am currently Better
I am listening to Aaron