Remembering...(11 months of bliss and turmoil)
12/05/2003 08:13 a.m.

Here I sit in a room that's cold and think back on all our times together. It makes me wonder if it ever really happened the way I think it did. Or, if perhaps the hazing of our time together was just a natural progression. I do remember certain things that make me smile and make me cry. I remember the fantastic times and the terrible times. You and I shared something that was so beautiful words can not describe it. You and I endured things so terrible that it burns my nerves just thinking about it. We still talk now but it feels as if there is a different person on the other end of my line.

I remember when I found you completely annoying. I couldn’t understand how someone could be that cheerful all of the time. But when I saw those glances from across the band room at me I knew what you were after. And from then on every smile on your face just made me smile inside and I knew I had to have you. I fell madly in love with you. I had never truly loved before you.

I remember tour band and losing my wallet in Cranbrook. We changed costumes in ball-rooms of elementary school gymnasiums. We wandered West Edmonton Mall and rode the rollercoaster. I remember kissing you for the first time on a blue crash-mat in the hallway at the Elkford high school. I remember playing guitar for you…my then limited repertoire of songs. I can play better now but you never ever hear me play anymore. I wrote songs about you…all of them about you. I once pictured myself spending the rest of my life with you. Your parents met in high school why wouldn’t it work for us. I remember time spent together at home. I remember scrambling for clothes as cars pulled in the drive-way. I remember trying to win over your cat.

I also remember other things. Like when you cried on the stairs in the band room during the Christmas concert because everything was just too much. I remember when I accidentally hit you and we both cried. I remember notes in my locker saying that you understood if I was over mo-ed. You should not have understood. I was being selfish and stubborn. I should have made you a priority instead of just assuming that you were OK with the way things were. I remember that day when we broke up. To this day it’s the worst of my life. I remember you crying on my couch and then dashing out the door sobbing. I can still see it when you kept trying in vain to get your truck out of my steep gravel driveway. I remember that day when the world collapsed and we both broke down. When you threw your textbooks and kicked the locker and screamed at me asking me if you meant nothing to me. I cried harder than I have at any point in my life because something inside of me died that day. I remember dry grad and purposely trying to run into you. I remember hugging you as the sun came up and whispering “I love you” in your ear. You pulled back immediately and said, “We should talk.” We didn’t.

We never saw each other throughout the entire summer until Craig’s pool party. I showed up and faked a smile for your benefit and when you left, I was somber again. I spent that whole summer in misery because all I wanted was you. If you had given me the chance I would have been the best boyfriend in the whole world. I would have worked everyday to make sure you knew that I loved you and that you meant so much to me. I could have been your ideal. I would have moved to Victoria to be close to you. I would have done anything to make it work. But you couldn’t bring yourself to trust me.

I wanted so badly to let you know just how much you changed me as a person. You made me a better, more confident person in every possible aspect. I regret not trying harder to make things work. I regret not seeing Oklahoma. I regret not graduating together as a couple. I wish we could have made things alright. I’m sorry for every tear you’ve shed because of me. I’m sorry for not taking the time to tell you just how wonderful you really are. I’m sorry for everyday that I didn’t tell you that you’re beautiful. But I’m not sorry that I was with you. And I’m not sorry that I’ll always love you. I just want you to know that you were the cause of the greatest turn of events in my life. You are the reason I want to follow my dreams. You inspired me to be what I never thought I could be. It’s not partially because of you. It’s all because of you.