Remembering Her
12/05/2003 04:49 a.m.
I'm here and I'm rememebering everything about you, from the time I first saw you at the airport until now. Dark dark skin. A boy. A little Boy and his older sister sitting with me in an airport chair while the people move around us. You're tongue couldn't bend around a single word of English, that I can recall. In the months that passed after that your mouth still held the thick access of an accent you've completely lost by now. that's the point you see. I remember playing in the backyard and making a salad out of garden weeds and neither of us being brave of stupid enough to try it. I remember watching through the crack in the door as you screamed and cried and the belt came down on the hives that had swelled all over your legs, blotchy and red, because you were allergic to the weeds. I rememebr not understanding why, and walking away from that room in my house. That room is now storage space. that's my point again. Later, when you felt better and had stopped crying, I rememebr creeping into the room, and you sat there with your tears just breifly stopped. I brought in my teaset that changed colour with water and we played at that until your random choking sounds stopped and you could laugh. I remember playing the backyard again even when we weren't allowed, shooting a toy bow and arrow at eachother. I remember being about 8 and going to your house and knowing that you and your sister would be hiding from me. I remember crying because you hid. I remember games where we locked eachother up and tried to see who could get out the fastest. Forts in your new backyard. The many different town houses with the many different windows. a tree outside one, the back outside another. Cows... there were cows in your backyard. Our fort had a red phone and a yellow chair that you still have somewhere. it had something in it that rattled. I rememebr the blue fish in the bucket that grew with water. Trying to set the field out back on fire on blade of grass at a time. Hockey in #8 with the kids next door. I remember impersonating a guy who was 18 to get the cute redhead you wanted. I remember being in your mothers room in the house your in now, talking to that red head for the first time on the phone. If it weren't for her, I would have even gotten to know you that much. I remember talking about how the 3 of us needed eachother. My my my how we slipped. I remember you telling your ma and my ma you were gay and the shakes that you had and how you could barely speak the words and I rememebr telling you it'd be ok. Always, always, it'd be ok. And it always was. I rememebr your first real girlfriend. I remember writing the I'm sorry letter you'd give to her for you because you could never find the right words or string to together quite as nicely as I could. I remember the cuts across your arms and the help I gave you and you gave me. I rememebr how you introduced me to your friends at barsby when I was in grade 8. I still have some of them. I remember you being the hospital. I remember you suicidal. I remember the first time you did pot and I was mad because you said you'd never do that and then you cut back on your word. I should have gotten used to it then.

I remember last week when your girlfriend was teary eyes in your bathroom talking to me about how worried she was about you. How much she cared. How she didn't want you to skip class and do whatever your doing with John and how she felt the distance you were putting between you 2 and how it made her sick. How she felt like you didn't tell her anything.

I told her I knew exactly how she felt.
I told her it's be ok.
I told her that all the caring in the world means shit to you nowadays, no matter what the hell you say to the same gorgeous redhead about how much it means to you when somebody tells you they love you. She loves you. I love you. But it doesn't matter to you anymore. That's what I'll remember.
I am currently Hurt
I am listening to Nothing.