And finally, the truth, as told to me, for me, by me.
11/05/2003 05:47 a.m.
you know, Summer D Glenney's newest poem is a gem. It's clear and honest and raw. SO brilliant. *Sigh*, i've taken a cue from a friend of mine, and I've decided to just let what is be, and let what comes come, and just be honest with myself. I figure, hey, that's the only way anything is going to get accomplished. Ever. Being honest with myself. if with no one else, then fine, but at least to me. Now, the real predicament is what does that mean? Now that I've vowed to be real, what is reality? What is the truth? what do I really think? In general, I think love, lust and friendship are stages of the same thing. I dont think you can have the first without the other two. maybe you dont feel the other two 24/7, but it's still gotta be there, waiting. What else do i think about those things... in general... I think that each one is only what you make it. Like lust, lust isn't lust unless you make it so. If you put lust in a dark corner forever, than it dies, and you cease feeling. Friendships the same way. And they can be directed to many people or only one. you could channel all your friendship into one person, or you could have many friends. You could focus your lust on one person, or on any hot body in a room. that's not to say you dont go "damn he looks good in those jeans". To be denied that is inhuman :) . Love's a little trickier. There's chemistry, then theres love. Then there's the lost art of turning one into the other. I think you can love anybody, but when you find somebody who can be your greatest friend, and the lust is present, then you have the makings of love. Romantic love. IN love. You can have just plain love in a friendship, but you can't be IN love with just anybody. But even then, when you have it, it's hard to keep it alive, make it grow, make it work. People think that once you're in love, bang, no problems, it's like cut and bake cookie dough, all mixed up with the perfect balance of ingredients, ready in 15 minutes or less. Not so. Or at least, not in most cases I've known. I think there are certain things you have to do to keep it strong. I know from experience time and again that no matter how much you care, love doesn't always stay in bloom. You need to water it. you need to trust in it. First, I think you must always have friendship. Always, or at the very least, that aspect must be in progress. You also must always have lust there, present, in the air. Like I said, not always in you, but there, hanging out in the shadows, as in willing to jump back in the game after you're over the flu and the crimson week's done, youknow? There's gotta be chemistry.
And love, love is like life's huge exception, not in a sea of rules, but in a sea of other, smaller exceptions. But from what I've observed in myself, friends, family and others is that deep down inside yourself, you can love many people. But to be IN love, now that is based on both your choice and your situation. Some situations hinder love, like being in two different places. That doesn't mean love is not there, but it means that that love is bound, and love's never meant to be bound. Or say that person you love has become someone you don'tlove, or has ceased in showing you love. If you don't communicate love, some how, some way, be it telepathically or just understood or whatever, it's as good as gone. But to make romantic love, being IN love work, you have to be dedicated to your cause: Love. Not just dedicated to loving, but be dedicated to YOUR love. The love you have for that person. That one person. You can't lose faith in it for too long. there can be doubt, but that doubt cannot be allowed to linger. You can't completely deny to yourself that it's there. You have to have trust in your capacity to feel love for that one person that makes the world spin, because with out that, you find that the world slows and slows and slows until it grinds to a halt, but you're still moving, so you smash through life like a skull through a windshield, and wallow in every emo inspired minute of your newly gashed and bleeding existence, waiting for someone to come stitch it up. Believe me folks, believe. And lest you want to lose it, if that person you love loves you back you can't give them reason to do these things ever. words for the wise, dont EVER let someone you truly care about ever forget that you care, that youlove them. Ever. If you do, then they leave you without ever saying a word, because it's not that they dont care, it's that love is give and take, and if they feel like they're the only one giving... it's just a horrible mess you dont want to be in. Bottomline: It's not enough just to feel it. I think you have to feel it, breath it, sing it, scream it, sweat it, bleed it and put all your weight on it knowing it's a retarded thing to do because what you get out of it is never worth anything unless you weight yourself on it first. you need to have the self-confidence to wait through every awkward silence, because there's no such thing as an awkward silence that didn't pass. You have to keep walking when you fall, even if they're the ones that tripped you. you know why? Because if they love you, eventually they'll realize they put their foot down when they shouldn't have, that they fucked it up too, even if you did walk right into it. If you screw it up, then you do, but look at what you've learned instead of what you've lost. You can't always bet that the person you love loves you too. If you know you want something more than anything in the world, the world cannot stop you. The world can't get between you and what you want. the world can only sit on the sidelines and heckle.

That, is my honest unbiased truth, directed (honestly) at nobody in particular, only at me and everyone else with the perserverence to read this far into some random girls journal entry.
I am currently Amazed
I am listening to Drown, 3 days grace