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10/29/2003 01:41 a.m.
writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block.
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What to do when you're museless. I hate feeling like there isn't a poem boiling inside me. it makes me feel... well, if it made me feel something I could make a poem about that. but it doesn't all it makes me is: nothing. I wrote "writer's block" 20 times with out using copy and past (21 times now I suppose). I have nothing.


Lately I've been feeling rather disgusted at my lack of motivation. I haven't done homeworks for a bit, but I've managed to do well enough to keepmy grade high, for now. Nothing makes me feel alive really. days drag on in such a weird way now. i dont want for anything. i dont want to do anything, and I'm not sure if I even wanna feel anything. Except some people make me laugh. when I laugh, I for a bit feel human. Sometimes it's just a laugh, and then down down down into the dredges of this weirdness, and other times... other times.... other times it's just different. different people maybe? maybe. I just know that as of right now, I feel like there is nothing around me, nothing in me, nothing worth putting into anything either than this dragging prose and nothing ahead of me to change that except perhaps halloween. then that'll end.

I'm going to spain in july. It's official, because the school is helping me fund to get there. only now I'm not sure how much I want to go..... but if the schools helping I can't very well decline.. it's such a big oppourtunity. I dont know. maybe it's just other circumstances of that date that botherme. my dad doesn't want me to go. Jen doesn't want me to go. i dont know what I want. There are other reason I may not want to go, like missing my sweet 16 here in canada, being in spain for it... maybe I'll have it before I go. then there's my fear of flying, my fear of death which right now is sorta clamping on me at the idea of terrorist crap and all... I dont know, I'm almost in tears write now and I'm not sure how thats at all possible considering crying is what happens when you're sad or afraid or something.... and I'm nothing.

My weirdnesses are what go up on this site. I'd apologize but I've done nothing wrong so I wont.I just feel odd knowing that I see in person someof thepeople that read this stuff. This is real me, yeah, but it's the real [hyphen] melodramatic stressed worried psycho girly oddity me that nobody really sees because I put everything here. Pah. Just dont call me crazy, call me honest.
I am currently Gloomy
I am listening to (I'm looking for something angry to put the negative feeling in)