hodl
10/16/2003 06:07 a.m.

"i can tell you're feeling better now..."

need a cigarette, methinks. disgusting. need a cigarette and my fellow crazy-goer. he's a good companion for the maddening mad times. a good companion in general, if a little crazy. [how ironic.] "you're too high to come down..." yeah, i need to write this paper. it's my midterm exam, it's due friday. pfft. i don't have to be up at 8:30; of COURSE not. i can sit here ALL NIGHT if i like, using janine's computer and drinking this foul pbr and if i want going out to smoke cigarettes cause it really honestly isn't that cold. and i wish justin would come over here and be insane with me. it's rough, being insane alone. it was nice when my friend stopped by here earlier. we had a nice conversation. i enjoyed it immensely. i am too attached to people and their existences.

my mother says not to worry about the money. i can't help it. it's impossible. i can't help it; this is all too ridiculous. i can't help it. i hate this place, for all that i do want to be here. i suppose i want to belong here but it just isn't happening. maybe; give it some time, she says. and i will, because it's a good idea. but there are insanities yet to be rained upon me by clouds that are myself. insanities and trust. it's all one, anyhow, isn't it? i still trust him though i'm sure he...no, i think he might trust me though i'm sure he thinks he shouldn't and it's a bad idea. that would be because i am trustworthy and he can sense it. i wouldn't hurt someone on purpose. and i'm not unintelligent. things happen, they do. people can still be good people; they can still be worthy friends.

i hope justin comes.

i'll just drink this disgusting beer and think about not writing my midterm paper until he gets here. maybe get in bed or somesuch thing. we'll see. adios.