delirious
10/06/2003 06:54 a.m.
i'm deliriously tired, tired, tired. ...god, okay; i'm leaving. i am leaving this life, leaving. i don't want to do this anymore, this thing. i'm surrounded by people i love deeply, but i can't stand their presence. and you can read this and think suicide, but you'd be mistaken. i love life but this life makes me feel like a cut-and-paste person, like i was arbitrarily glued onto this existence. i love them but i can't be with them anymore. and i can't do this. it drives me insane, and i want to be alive and not constantly pandering to some ridiculous disingenuous state of being. so happily i will withdraw and maybe this will make things more beautiful. maybe this will make me belong to the life i live, even if nothing else. i want to be in love with things with people who care about me. i can never tell, i don't know anymore who cares about me and when is a good time to speak up. i've never been good at that. maybe that's why i've been wanting to talk to ryan lately. he's one person who has always taken care of me unconditionally. who has held onto me and loved me without judgement. i don't know anymore who really cares besides him, and if he even cares anymore. because there are so many people i care so fiercely about, for whom i would run for miles and miles; and what does that mean to them, if anything? would they do the same for me? would i be able to manage this life without the hope of someone truly loving me? i can't understand; how can i tell what i mean, if anything, to another person, if i can't sense them with my self? i don't understand. i don't. i just want passion, care, love, understanding, all of it to come to me unlimited and full of creative energy and joy and sorrow and all of the rest of the fertile states of being.
I am currently Passionate
I am listening to my friends talk about genius