Kaleidescope viewpoint
10/04/2003 08:19 p.m.
I can't stand it. I don't get it. Free me from it.

No, that's pathetic.

Why should anyone else help me up? I have two legs, i'm a capable human being. Perhaps a human being questioning her own stability, but a human person nonetheless. Tell me, what is stable? Can you put it in a jar and label it for me? No. I should label myown stability.

I should discover it first.

My soup tastes too salty in my mouth. nothing comforts me. The people who confuse me, who I want to love, (there are 2, mainly) won't let me in, and use two extremely different ways of showing me that. Well, even if that isn't the intention of one of them, it's still doing the same thing. And the other cries out for want ofsomeone to care about him, and here Iam, screaming and waving, and MY caring isn't good enough. MY lovemeans nothing.

I'm disgusted withmyself. I know that if others knew they'd be disgusted withme too. But I have ALL THEFUCKING RIGHT TO BE CONFUSED!! Anyone does, but in this situation, I know Ido. It's all just agame, and I was winning. OrI thought I was. I'm really not sure. I feel like Thelma Beldwin from Crazy Eights (by Barbara dana). the world is goingmad around me. There's thisone scene in the book whereshe just snaps. She's at home, and her moronic, broken record-sounding aunt and uncle are there. They've taken her room and she has to sleep in the living room. Her GOrGEOus older sister is hates her, and is getting married to a man who doesn'tlove her, who she doesn'tlove, who has a green neck (becauseof this cream he needs on it forarash) and treats herlike a child. Thelma's mother is bossy and is the perfect image of the savvy woman. Her father's just out of it. They're all in the house thenight before the sister's wedding and the sister is vomitting, the uncle keeps asking over and over "where's my toothbrush?", the aunt is singing in a LOUDLOUDLOUD nasal voice, the mom is screaming at thelma to get up off the floor and the father is in hisplacid state ofout-of-itness. None of itmakes sense to Thelma. The world around her is going mad.

Unfortunately,Idont get to burn down a building to feel better about it, like thelma does.

instead I get to sit through 2 confusing boys
the confinements of being 15 and not relating to anyone 15
having the due freedoms of being 15 as appointed by my old fashioned/3rd world country raised parents
Pondering whether mylast relationship was trashed mostly BECAUSE of those reasons or because of Mo
A heart defect that doctors think I'm faking/over-reacting to
over-boiled soup
and generally the typical whinings you'd hear from any other almost-grownup girl who's emotions feel like the view through a kaleidescope in a dryer
(entertaining to watch from afar, sure, but I'M the coloured glass!)

I am currently Stupid
I am listening to (My mood is not Stupid, it is currently "whiny typical girl")