Un-feeling
09/30/2003 05:55 a.m.
I find myself in the oddest of states. a state of wanting something, but not being sure of what that is. like groping in murky water for a feeling I once thought Iknew...



I remember what it was like to be in love with Jordan. What it felt like to have him, to have someone, but especially him. Don't get me wrong. That's not what I want. I dont want a boyfriend. I dont wantcommitment.I dont want love. I don't want any of it anymore, and not becauseof him. And yet, I remember making salmon patties in the kitchen, and I remember a walk down to knowles park. sitting on swing and just smiling at him, and having him smile back. Saying words that were so sure wouldn't fade andlook at us now. As an example, you know,just look at us. neither of us want the other, and it's barely been 5 months since it all began... we thought we had it all figured out, didn't we babe? Good times though, lol.

No but really, just the whole... i dunno... texture of that fragment in time. that brief little glip, I remember so clearly these days. Smiling up at him singing and playing guitar in my room. themoment he brought that guitar to life for me... my grandmother's old guitar. the one I barely knew and had thought about selling once... now I couldn't ever dreamof it,no matter howmuddy my chords still are. But the feeling of trust and love....and how itslipped away long before it was shattered... and how fast I numbed myself, like anesthetic on a wound until it hadtimeto heal. The way I'd done itso many times, theautomatic break-up mode, the cold cut intologic at that instant, while tears still poured frommyface. and the way logic froze asI gave him one last kiss on the cheek and walked out.

So odd... and now... I just can't pinpoint it. It's not wanting him. or anyone...

or anyone... maybe that's it.
I am currently Bleh