pct/wanderlust
09/26/2003 04:09 p.m.
"I want to dwell in the places of my imagination...the west is so huge and limitless, and I want to see it with my own eyes." So Janine says - and this is true. This is her response to my endless dreaming and sending her letters and emails filled with the pacific crest trail and long hikes through backcountry america - monthlong hikes to nowhere and from nowhere and that mean everything and lately i'm not sure if i would ever come back; but i know i would, and i know i only go 'cause they sanction me to go and what's the world good for if people like me can't just leave it when they want and drop out of it and enter something else that's just as true if not moreso? i want this i want to leave with no sanctioning or permission except from myself i suppose give it time right now time is my obliviator and what else can i do but succumb to its incessant hungering and whiting-out of existences? when i was twelve i wanted to drop out of this but i didn't know there was somewhere to go so what i thought was "i'll just leave" and that would be it, i wanted to drop out of life without knowing there was another life to be had. when i was fifteen i read kerouac and felt that there must be a lie in it, that it was some sort of cruel trick because it was so beautiful and i knew the world had no beauty in it like that so there must be a trick in it somewhere. now i read kerouac and i read beautiful poetry again and i know there is another life somewhere despite what the people who used to be in my life believe. ryan tries to tell me to think about what i really want and yes, money is a concern, remember, and what will you do when you come back, what will you do out there with no organization, it's too scattered erica. and it's because he loves me he's my friend but god he doesn't believe in me any more than i believed in me and he doesn't doesn't absolutely doesn't believe in any world but the one he's seen and my god, what would i give to be able to change his eyes to that; but he can never leave like that, he never can because he has been taught to love the life he holds himself down with[this, too, shall pass, when all else fails]; and maybe he will be happy with that forever but i can't be, i need to know what the other life is like, to know that there's something worth living for and right now all i've found worth living for is the dream that something is worth living for so what happens when i learn? i never want to live another life but the one i live in now, where i dream and there are possibilities endlessly stretching onto the sunset and rising with the sun and winding around the beautiful confused fucked-up world. i want to know it all and everything to embrace me and i want to be embraced; i can't live without the touch of understanding and beauty and people are creatures of amazing wonder and love and why must they hurt each other, why not create your own world instead of trying to live in conflict with someone else's? we're poor, yes, but we can create our own world because the one the rich create is a cancer in our minds sometimes. i'm wrong  - it's the same as with ryan. i can create that other world but others they can't because they have been taught to love the life which holds them down, yes even when they're unhappy with it. but i can have whatever i want because i'm almsot not afraid, maybe all we're waiting on is janine and i to go out on the pct for a month and become strong.
I am currently Lovesick
I am listening to "you ain't seen nothin' yet"(b-b-b-baby...)